Self-Coaching Challenge: Learn to use the Inconvenience Strategy to Reduce Stress and Anger

THE STRATEGY OF INCONVENIENCE Vs. AWFUL

Be strong enough to control your upsetness, stress and anger instead of letting it control you…

The strategy of replacing awful with inconvenience reduces our reactive anger response and keeps us from doing either stupid or inappropriate actions. It is not astonishing that our perception of an event is colored by our attitude and how we think and then react to a difficult situation. We’re influenced by our fears and beliefs about fairness. Also, we seem to be hard wired to create disaster fantasies about the future using “what if “scenarios. The more we define an event as awful the more energy, stress, amount of effort, time, and poor decision making can be triggered by the fight or flight response in our primitive brain areas. .The result of this thinking can lead to unconscious and usually unproductive behavior.  Saying something is inconvenient provides us time to put the event in a more workable and productive mental and emotional perspective.

Reflections: Therefore, to squelch a bad reaction to situations, we can tell ourselves it is inconvenient that we locked our keys in the trunk of a rental car but not awful which pushes our reactions quickly to a crisis situation.  We also can take proactive measures by removing ourselves from the situation for a moment of reflection and deep breathing. To stop hitting the awful response we need to be more aware of the triggers that derail our more rational and reflective response send to our brain.

Suggested statements to reduce stress and awfulism :

• This to shall pass.
• Will you remember this event 3-5 years from now?
• Of course this traffic is inconvenient and yet it is not awful.
• This (flu) is inconvenient but it could have been worse.

Self-Coaching Challenge: Next time you are upset about something that just happened try out the inconvenient strategy. Let me know if it works.

Part I: Learn to Overcome your Demons and Negative Self-talk

Daily Quote: “First your negative talk controls and ignores your positivity, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win… Remember your past does not determine your future.” MWH 

Each of us has a set of internal messages that play like a tape recorder over and over in our minds. These internal messages can be either negative or positive. This dialogue frames our reaction to different people and circumstances in our life.

One of the ways to recognize, promote, and sustain optimism, is to observe and intentionally fill our thoughts with positive self-talk.

Too often the pattern of self-talk developed through life experiences is negative. We remember the negative things we were told as children by parents, siblings, or teachers. For some reason this negative commentary has more power than positive messages. Most of the research shows that it takes 3-5 positive messages to override negative ones.(Fredrickson and Gottman). Over the years these negative self-talk messages have replayed again and again in our minds, fueling our thoughts of frustration, shame, fear, guilt, and hopelessness.

Overriding these negative patterns takes willpower and sustain practice to change our brain. If people learned as children that they were worthless, we show them how truly special they are. If while growing up you learned to expect bad reactions, or unlucky events, you need to rewire these patterns and find better ways to react and create a more positive future.

Self-Coaching Challenge: Try the following reflection and re-wiring exercise.

1) Write down some of the negative messages that replay in your mind, ones that undermine your ability to feel comfortable and in control of events and circumstances in your life. Be specific whenever possible, and include anyone you remember who contributed to that message.

2) Now take a moment to focus on how to override these negative messages with positive experiences by remembering events where you triumphed in spite of negativity or changed negative self-talk to positive messages. Don’t give up if you don’t find them quickly. For every negative message there is a positive truth that will override and counter balance the power of the negativity.

You may have a negative message that replays in your head every time you make a mistake. As a child you may have been told “you’ll never amount to anything,” or “you can’t do anything right.” When you make a mistake — and you will, because we all do — you can choose to overwrite that message with a positive one, such as “I choose to accept my responsibility and grow from my mistake,” or “ When I find the lesson in making mistakes I now have the opportunity to thinking and behave in a more effective way. As I learn from my mistakes, I’m becoming a more functioning person.”

During this exercise, mistakes become opportunities to replace negative views of yourself with positive options for personal worth and growth. In addition, every time your over-ride a negative thought you form new paths for succeeding in the future.

 Positive Self-talk is Mental Toughness. Positive self-talk is  mental toughness in action. It is looking at circumstances with eyes that see the reality and truth of what is happening. Positive self-talk is about reaffirming your strength and worth. One of the fundamental truths is that life is difficult. To expect perfection in yourself is unrealistic. To expect no difficulties in life, whether through your own actions or sheer circumstance, is also unrealistic.

Daily Quote and Reflection: The Game of Winning from Within

Daily Quote: “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look FEAR in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.” Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Reflection: Game of Life—“Winning from Within”

 Rule # 1 : Allow Yourself to face fears and use that energy to fuel positive action 

Some people become afraid or anxious, and they find it overwhelming. When that happens, reach out to family, friends, or colleagues. for support. Do not run away from problems they only get bigger and more complicated. Fear can be a real or made-up so be clear on the reality and source of your fear. Take a deep breath and think of past times when you have overcome fear and realize it is okay to be afraid because it is the first step to overcoming it. Learn to push through the fear with positive self-talk.

 Self-Coaching Challenge: Identify a fear you have like public speaking and over the next week find ways to overcome this fear. You might want to investigate new research on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy that has proven to be very effective with reducing anxiety and fears for many people.   

Blind spots and Self-Awareness–“Holy Shit” or Aha Moment

“What you bring forth out of yourself from the inside will save you. What you do not bring forth out of yourself from the inside will destroy you.”-– Gospel of Thomas

For me St. Thomas captures the essence of coaching and counseling for difficult moments in speaking the truth. These moments of truth I am calling the “Aha moment or the Holy shit ” moments.  When these moments arrive I find asking yourself and answering this question helps you make a good decision on what to say. The self-talk question is to ask–What is the worst thing that could happen if I say so and so?

No matter the cost, resolution and action are required for improving and stretching your potential.  The human spirit seems incapable of leaving cognitive dissonance or painful memories unresolved.  Even if we are good at compartmentalization there is an emotional price to pay for denial or inattention.  These unresolved conflicts rattle around until they unconsciously appear at the most inappropriate times as a destructive alien popping out of your chest.

In a recent Leadership Development workshop I received feedback on my first impression with others.  Sorting through whether this observation had merit I decided it did.  The feedback– I was too transparent and open.  I came on to others with too much, too soon, too fast. What did this mean for my ability to lead people?  It wasn’t a matter of figuring out what I needed to do differently or what I needed to know to change this impression.  It was a question of figuring out who I wanted to be, which I call the essence of leadership.

It’s the context of the being aspect of leadership that enables insight into what I do or don’t do to influence or connect with others.  These moments of “aha” kick-start and illuminate the power of self-discovery.  These moments provide a beginning of a new story as a person and potential leader. This type of  in the moment experience and insight seem more meaningful than tying to learn a sterile and logical model or framework for leadership development.  In ordinary life, we face feedback and dissonance every day that is difficult to resolve.  For example, there’s not enough time for family obligations, we can’t sort through which issues or organizational or personal needs are a priority, we find it difficult to say no to requests, we don’t have the authority or the control or the knowledge or wisdom to solve problems.

On the other hand, when we talk to another person and feel truly listened too we feel the pain and dissonance dissipate through the mere sharing and honest acceptance of that issue or pain by another human being.  The experience of unconditional acceptance and love makes the journey from denial through confusion to insight by providing us with hope, courage and strength to face the heartaches of setbacks and disappointments in life.  When there is no such promise of resolution but only the deep pain and suffering of life’s mysteries it is difficult to build a constructive and trusting relationships.

What all this comes down to, are a few critical factors that make coaching and counseling effective. They are:

1. The need to believe in the other person’s ability to change and grow.
2. The viewpoint that when people are believed in they begin to believe in themselves.
3. Trust others; they learn to trust you and then themselves.
4. Human beings have a deep and unending need to be understood and connect with at least one other person.  Just one connection has a positive effect on creating a climate for self-awareness and personal growth.
5. The ability to confront misperceptions, untruths, fears and blind spots provide the structure to help people think, feel and act more constructively in meeting their needs.
6. Encourage accountability, participation and ownership for behavior and results.
7. Encourage congruence in thinking and authentic action that leads to positive behavioral changes and concrete action. The old fake it till you make it adgage.

In the final analysis, if we earn other people’s respect and trust they will open up to being influenced by us and work on needed changes.  Imposing our point of view only makes others defensive and resistant to change.

Want to be an Exceptional Presenter: Discover Your Self 2 and Fire your Inner Critic

“Secret 2 Meaningful Constructive Living is 2 apply the ACT principles of Awareness, Choice and Trust of natural strengths.” MWH

Recently, I started to re-read the Inner Tennis book by Tim Gallwey then I came across  a great article on a site called SelfMatters.org. The site and its programs are run by two inspiring women, Jane Shure, PhD. and Beth Weinstock, PhD.

Dr. Shure and Weinstock believe that we can learn how to “turn down” the voice of what they call our “inner critic,” and learn to “turn up” our positive and natural voice of  “inner coach.” Gallwey’s point of view was that people are vulnerable to negative shifts in mindset which can have drastic impact on one’s performance in many different situations that require focused attention.

Both Gallwey and Shure/ Weinstock are talking about the powerful unconscious and how the brain builds in patterns that are repeated through the process of self-talk. Self-talk is the inner dialogue between parts of our mind, and is influenced by these neural pathways from past behavior in similar situations.

Mental Toughness “16 Second Cure” and other ideas for Surviving Stress

Teddy Roosevelt’s Way, “When you play, play hard; when you work, don’t play at all.”

Winning seems so easy and natural for the Nadal’s and Feder’s of the tennis world. And in other sports too. But the real secret seems to be mental preparedness and toughness.  The perception that winning is easy we know is false but it does look like their work is play. Many of us chalk it up to just being a “natural” or born with the right genes. The old nurture vs nature argument. Now with new neurological research we are starting to see the power of the “brain” and it’s plasticity and ability to be re-wired through practice and cognitive behavioral techniques. Maybe it is time  for all of us to better understand how these new discoveries can provide a better quality of life and explore how we can develop new skills and through mental training.

In other world’s such as politics and business MT is also an important factor in being successful.

Obama seems to have it –calm and”kool” under pressure yet lacking some toughness in regard to negotiating big deals HCR, Oil Spill etc. Especially, if you are a progressive which we now he maybe in his heart but has difficulty turning it into acceptable and practical ways when the opposition just wants to say “no” to most policies he introduces.  So for leaders in the 21st Century maybe “Mental Toughness” becomes the X-factor for success.

So what is mental toughness? It can be defined as the ability to access and maintain focus and determination to complete a course of action despite complexity, difficulties or unknown consequences. Some say it is the will to never give-up or quit. So the question is: Can “mental toughness” (MT) be taught or is innate? Let’s look at the sports world where MT is often used to describe super stars. Many athletes and coaches think, MT is an innate quality or talent that you are born with and they believe can’t be taught or learned because it is a part of your DNA or it isn’t. According to this school of thought mental toughness is usually something you’re born with and is reinforced early in life by your parents and environment. These authorities believe  it’s hard to take a sensitive “mommies boy” and make him tough no matter what you do. This obviously is the nature argument. The nurture position states that people can be shaped and learn from different experiences, modeling and teaching.

Motivation and MT roots
The root of mental toughness lies in motivation. Those who are deemed mentally tough typically exhibit what sports psychologists call “intrinsic achievement motivation.” A study featured in Psychology of Motor Behavior and Sport defines this as the desire to be self-determining. People who are intrinsically motivated are self- starters, willing to push themselves to the brink for the love of their sport or activity. They need little encouragement to give their best effort, and they often do well setting their own goals. For others, who are called “game players” they only begin to jell when the pressure of competition is on. They go through the motions in practice and drive coaches crazy. They only shine in the chance to compare themselves with others. These guys have what’s called “achievement motivation”  and play best under the gun. You hear them say things like give me the ball I want to take the penalty kick or final shot when the BB game is on the line. They do not fear failure failures and  all things being equal between two competitors, whoever is higher in achievement motivation will be the better athlete, hands down.

Other researchers have said that motivation is important but brain chemistry can over ride desire/motivation if  the player experiences anxiety. With too much anxiety detrimental changes in our brain and biochemical reactions take place. Stress research calls this the flight or fight response.  Now we have new brain research evidence reported by Dr. James Loehr, a famous performance psychologist, and Daniel Goleman, known for his work in  Emotional Intelligence, that links negative thoughts and arousal with the stress hormone cortisol.  Cortisol is produced by the adrenal cortex.  Cortisol has been associated with feelings of anxiety, tension, helplessness, and loss of control.  Positive thoughts and pleasant experiences are linked to a positive trigger or rush of adrenaline, and an increase of epinephrine and norepinephrine. The positive jolts make for better performance.

Having an optimistic attitude can help increase the positive effects of epinephrine and norepinephrine.  Optimism, which produces these positive brain chemicals reduce many anxiety symptoms and can provide performers with the positive energy to focus and concentrate on the activity at hand.

By learning to “look on the bright side,” of challenges and seeing stressful situations as opportunities for growth, you increase the likelihood of producing a positive mental and arousal state.  This positive mental state leads to a chain of biochemical events that mobilize the brain and the body to cope more effectively with the situation.  A positive reaction to stress can then lead to what Dr. Loehr, calls the challenge response, which counteracts the negative effects of stress and improves your performance and enjoyment in presenting and speaking to groups. The challenge response helps leaders and high performance jocks to be more calm, relaxed, alert, energetic, inspired, and enthused. Mental Toughness, a phrased coined by internationally renowned peak performance guru Dr. Jim Loehr, has it roots in tennis, where Loehr first came to prominence. Applied to tennis, Mental Toughness training specifically targets physical rituals before and after points to help create focus and calm during a tennis competition. Practicing Mental Toughness techniques prior to your matches will help you handle more stress during your matches.Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/141072-mental-toughness-training-tennis/#ixzz0sktDIss7

Evolution

In his research, Loehr noticed that top champions followed similar behavior patterns between points. For example, as soon as a point ended, whether the player won or lost the point, he would change the racket to his non-dominant hand to release tension in his playing arm. At the same moment, the player would turn away from the net and begin his walk to the baseline. Top players looked only at their strings, the ground or their opponents between points. They did not look into the crowd, at their coach, passing airplanes, ballboys or umpires.

Loehr created a ritual for players to use to improve their mental toughness, starting with the racket switch, turnaround, walk past the baseline to the far end of the court while looking at the racket strings, then returning to the baseline to serve or return serve. Loehr called this pattern the 16-Second Cure.

Expansion

As the concept of Mental Toughness grew in popularity, other sport psychologists began to develop their own variations of the concept. A devotee of Loehr, Dr. Bryce Young, developed his Play, Recover, Prepare system for mental training, which is similar to Loehr’s 16-Second Cure. Like Loehr’s four-step cure, Young’s three-step system requires players to follow a set routine between points. Young also promotes self-confidence, breathing, imagery and pre-serve and pre-return rituals.

Self-Talk

“You idiot!,” “You can’t play tennis!,” and other negative self-talk not only brings you down emotionally, it can improve your opponent’s attitude as she sees that you are not as confident as she thought. Regulating self-talk is a key component of Mental Toughness training for any performance activity. Remaining outwardly and verbally positive is important enough that some coaches recommended complimenting an opponent on a winning shot immediately after they hit it, to take away any notion in them that they have beaten you mentally.

How is your mental game in life?  Try to develop healthy rituals and positive self-talk to handle the pressure at work it’s worth the effort and will help you triumph over burnout.

Daily quote and Reflection–How to get Unstuck and Get Moving?

“Your central nervous system can’t tell the difference between something visually imagined and something that actually happened.”  Dr. James Loehr

To get unstuck you need to find ways to live a more constructive life. One of these ways is to  use the power positive visualization to change negative emotional states to positive ones. Visualization techniques have been used successfully for relaxation, to improve concentration and healing. Its becoming very popular in sports psychology because of the immediate benefits it can produce in performance levels. If you do a search you will note that now there are hundreds if not thousands of self-help books that advice on using visualization techniques to achieve better results in your personal life. The technique starts with the assumption that when you clearly visualize an outcome that you want and follow the right steps in your mind’s eye and stamp it in your mind through repetition and focus, and are firmly convinced that you will attain it, your brain makes every effort to realize the mental image you have created. And then, through your concentration, focus and effort, the result you want is made a reality. For example, try this on as your positive affirmation today: Picture yourself reacting to a mistake and instead of beating your self-up; see yourself laughing and smiling with your boss or customer as you get feedback for your error. Say to self I will find humor in my mistakes. When I can smile inside and then outside, I am in control of my emotions. The best and healthiest form of laughter is self-directed. Humor can help you smooth the bumps we all experience in life.

Visualization Exercise:

The wonderful think about visualization is that it is not a complex process to learn. You can do it on your own, you just have to think about the goal or end result you desire.  If you integrate specific steps and add your passion and desires to your visualization, it will be so strong that you will feel as if  you were really there and it was actually happening.

Here are some tips to improve your visualization:

Concentration is very important to achieve great results and be able to actually feel the event that you are imaging. If you lack of concentration you will not be able to visualize correctly, relax, breath deep and then start visualizing.

Thinking, you need to think very deeply on the events that you are imaging with every detail of what surrounds you and what it is the place that you are visualizing. Focus and concentrate to achieve your results. The first time you try it, it might seem wired or difficult to accomplish but just relax and think strong about what is that you desire with all your heart.