Daily Quote: “Remembering that you are going to die one day is the best way to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. Follow your heart.” – Steve Jobs
Reflection: The key to our Self-directed coaching approach to awareness and development can be summed up in one sentence: “It’s not me–it’s my negative thoughts.” That is our battle cry. It is a reminder that negative thoughts and urges are real and power over your thinking and behavior, if gone unchecked. Research shows that these negative self-talk messages from the brain need 5 postive messages to over ride 1 negative thought. In Self-directed behavior coaching you gain a deeper understanding of this truth.
Self-Coaching Challenge: What does a daily spoonful of optimism look like? It means doing something nice for ourselves as well as another person each and every day. It means staying replenished mentally, physically, and emotionally which results in a sense of well-being. A spoonful of optimism can be reading an inspirational quote, talking to a trusted friend, having a fabulous dinner, practicing an attitude of gratitude, or indulging in a “music bath”, (this is where we put on our favorite music and submerge our hearts and minds in song).
To solidify our daily dose of optimism it is imperative to develop our emotional intelligence skills. A powerful and exemplary model is the wheel created by 6 Seconds to Emotional Intelligence. (The Six Seconds EQ Model,” 2011).
Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever. Mahatma Ghandi
Although I was not asked to give a commencement speech this year, here is what I would have tried to convey to the 2014 college graduates: Your accomplishes during college have been many and lessons for life abound if you were paying attention, so congrats to you and your family on this very special day.
A lot of professors give talks titled “The Last Lecture.” Professors are asked to consider their demise and to ruminate on what matters most to them. And while they speak, audiences can’t help but mull the same question:
What wisdom would you impart to the world if we knew it was our last chance? If you died or vanished tomorrow, what would we want as our legacy?
When Randy Pausch, a computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon, was asked to give such a lecture, he didn’t have to imagine it as his last, since he had recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. But the lecture he gave–“Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams”–wasn’t about dying. It was about the importance of overcoming obstacles, of enabling the dreams of others, of seizing every moment (because “time is all you have…and you may find one day that you have less than you think”). It was a summation of everything Randy had come to believe. It was about living.
Reflection: As with every ending there are mixed feelings of sadness and happiness and some anxiety about what the future brings. During my 70+ years of living I have learned many things and missed other things, but one thing for sure I will always hold dear is my love for learning.
Learning to me is beneficial in every aspect. It is beneficial for overall progress in society; it can raise the levels of civic action and participation; on an individual level it can boost our curiosity, critical thinking and challenge our stereotypes and narrow thinking. Well let me just say it straight out– it can help in every way, literally. The good news is that learning after formal schooling is usually free and self-directed, this type of learning can help us keep current and keep growing. Actually learning is my favorite thinking to do in life because it is what makes us human.
Your new beginning will be more successful if you keep in mind this maxim by Ben Franklin “time lost is never found again”; so don’t waste your time being pessimistic, critical of yourself or others and “sleep walking through life” grab life by the horns and always be a “life-long Learner”
My formal educational experiences provided me with seven critical things:
1. The gift of life long learning– “learning how to learn”
2. Need to be curious in life–always acknowledge you don’t know somethings and can learn by listening and asking questions.
3. Learning to be more “open “minded and not “fixed” in my ways or the view of the world
5. The motivational spark to overcome obstacles and keep improving by “getting better” Never give-up…Never give-up
6. Respect and dignity for others—tolerance is the glue of relationships
7. Being self-aware and responsible for my own choices and behavior
Self-Coaching Challenge: So the challenge facing you as you start your new beginning is to reflect on your learning in school and figuring out your next chapter. For some this is just letting life come at them and hoping they will be ready to apply things from their education; for others it will be struggling to define and figure out the next steps; but no matter how you attack your next phase in life be clear on one thing, so as to avoid some pain and difficulties, be a life-long learner by taking advantage of training and professional development courses offered by your employer and start today document your accomplishments and create a career portfolio because you are responsible for your career and reaching your potential. Promise me and yourself today that you will sit down in the next 24-48 hours and define what success in life will look like for you. For me it has not been defined by money or material stuff ( I always had enough to get by)– it is doing that which fulfills me–by making a difference in creating a better world to live in for all.
Finally, “remember that when it comes to learning there are no mistakes, only lessons. Respect others, trust your choices, and everything is possible; and if you face difficult times stop take a deep breath and as Marcus Aurellus once said: “Look within; within is the fountain of all good.”
4 tips on how to see ourselves from other people’s point of view.
Daily Quote:
“We never see ourselves as others see us…” Eric Hoffer
” O would some power the gift to give us the ability to see ourselves as others see us. ” Robert Burns, Scot Poet (1759 – 1796)
Self-Reflection: How do we see ourselves? Effective self-coaching involves seeing ourselves as mixture of our ability to think clearly, see ourselves as others see us and being open to learning and change. Many times in life our mental set about ourselves and how we impact other people can be taken for granted or mis-perceived. Many times in our busy day to day activities we are operating in a vacuum or on automatic pilot and in order to move forward and continue growing we must work on developing open and flexible ways to gather more information. Our ability to develop this open perspective toward ourselves is the foundation for all self-coaching. This open approach to personal change allows us to use self-coaching tools, such as feedback to not only adjust our thinking but to enhance our effectiveness to change habits and behavior.
For example, the art and science of public speaking or presenting are learned, as well as the skills to handle different situations and audiences. When this is recognized you can use deliberative practice tools by yourself or in conjunction with a good coach or teacher to figure out the steps to do something better by using your time and space to practice and learn more constructive ways to reach our full potential as a fully functioning person. With time and good support, every person can discover their own ways to become a more effective and efficient communicator.
1. Reflection
Self-coaching also involves an ongoing process of reflection. We need to view our lives as an ongoing exercise in experiential learning, and we need to obtain the necessary critical distance to be able to observe and reflect upon our experiences, while also fully inhabiting those experiences in the moment. The precise steps we take in this process will look different for each of us, and they will vary over time, but it’s critical to regularly engage ourselves in conversation and to develop the habitual practices that support this reflection.
2. Self-Awareness
An important product of this reflection is increased self-awareness, by which I mean both a heightened in-the-moment perception of how we respond to various situations and a deeper understanding over time of who we are as individuals. Our immediate perception of our physical and emotional responses to situations is often blunted–it’s only in retrospect that we fully understand what we were feeling. Honing this in-the-moment awareness of our responses allows us to expand the range of options available to us and to make choices that will best support our goals in any given situation.
Over time this heightened perception contributes to a deeper understanding of ourselves. We learn more about our tendencies and preferences, and patterns in our behavior (with certain people, in certain settings, at certain moments) begin to reveal themselves. We can then capitalize on these patterns, exploiting those that work to our advantage and challenging (or avoiding) those that work to our disadvantage.
3. Committment to Personal Change
At some level self-coaching is all about change. Changing how we spend our time so we’re more fulfilled, and changing our behavior so we’re more effective. Doing more of what’s working in our lives, and doing less of–or stopping entirely–what’s not helping us reach our desire results. We may even want to change the direction of our lives in a more comprehensive way, and all large changes result from a series of small smart steps using the Plus1 performance technique.
4. Clarity of Personal Values and Vision
Our self-coaching efforts occur within a context defined by our personal values and our vision for ourselves. If self-coaching is a sequence of steps to help us effect positive change in our lives, then our values and our vision are the source of meaning and purpose in our lives, the underlying rationale for the changes we seek to make.
It’s important at the very beginning of self-coaching to identify the critical values that drive our action and to establish a vision of the future. Where you want to be after your self-coaching experience? Values and vision are the underpinning for self-coaching success because they ground us in what is important in our lives and where we we want to go. These values and vision will be rechecked through your self-coaching actives and will be refined by the end of your experience. Although we will be working on many of the elements that roll-up into a vision or provide clarity on your priority values in life through smart-step activities and structured exercises I think having an overall direction and “big picture” for self-coaching is critical for your success.
Self-Coaching Challenge: Over the next week reflect on these 4 elements for Self-Coaching. Use the scale 1 -not ready to 10 absolutely ready. After your evaluation commit to either finding a coach to get get you started or if you are ready for self-coaching do something to get started, like reading articles or a book on self-coaching.
Daily Quote:“ So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty. All other pacts of love or fear derive from it and are modeled upon it.” Haniel Long
Reflection: Sometimes when I am confused and hurt or just want to get centered in life I turn to poems–Here is my reflection on the ideas of loyalty, love, trust and caring of a family
Poem: Fragility of Love and Loyalty by MW Hardwick
Love, loyalty and trust are deep and lasting emotions
Daily Quote:“ So much of what is best in us is bound up in our love of family that it remains the measure of our stability because it measures our sense of loyalty. All other pacts of love or fear derive from it and are modeled upon it.” Haniel Long
Reflection: Sometimes when I am confused and hurt or just want to get centered in life I turn to poems–Here is my reflection on the ideas of loyalty, love, trust and caring of a family
Poem: Fragility of Love and Loyalty by MW Hardwick
Love, loyalty and trust are deep and lasting emotions
Daily Quote: “Leaders are people who do the right things; managers are people who do things right.” Warren Bennis – “The Dean of Leadership Gurus.
” Leadership is the lifting of a man’s vision to higher sights, the raising of a man’s performance to a higher standard, the building of a man’s personality beyond its normal limitations.” – Peter Drucker
Reflection: Searching for answers about Leadership
As an up and coming manager and leader in your organization, you have just received feedback on your leadership style. Some of the feedback rings true for you, while other feedback, especially on your blind spots doesn’t fit the picture you have as yourself as a leader.
Searching the internet and web on Leadership can be confusing because of the large amount of writing and theorizing on the concept of leadership. I have found a resource from Korn/Ferry research center that will save you time and money on helping you identify your leadership style. Korn Ferry writers and researchers J. Evelyn Orr and Guangrong Dai found that four primary patterns of leadership account for 70 percent of managers and executives. Each type has its own strengths and weaknesses that play out in different ways on the job. Matching leadership type to job expectations and role assignments can help you make more reflective career planning choices and proactively choose to build a plan for development that is based on increasing self-awareness through self-directed career coaching.
The authors begin their article with these profound questions, that I hope you will answer. will inspire you to explore as you read and reflect on the concept of Leadership Styles. They ask you to reflect on whether you are: “Task-oriented or people-oriented? Democratic or autocratic? Hands-on or laissez-faire?
They go -on to say that often descriptions like this are artificially dichotomous (black or white, right or wrong). ” These types of classifications do not identify the shades of grey that is the reality for most of us. An analysis of managers’ and executives’ actual skill profiles reveals four real-world leadership types that are not so black-and-white. Seeing the gray is a good thing. Here’s why: People identify their strengths fairly accurately, but gloss over their weaknesses. The four leadership types that Korn/Ferry research has uncovered reflect leaders as they are, warts and all. So those who recognize their strengths in one type can then spot
their probable corresponding weaknesses. Simple self-awareness of the 4 patterns can help leaders improve and
with work on overcoming some of the limits of their leadership type and thus improve their leadership skills and practices.”
2. A review of the literature on many significant Leadership Theories and Models http://www.valuesbasedleadershipjournal.com/issues/vol3issue1/gurus_on_leadership.php
Self-Coaching Challenge:
1. Read the above article written by Korn Ferry researchers and select the one style that fits the image of yourself as a leader.
2. Match-up from data from your 360 feedback or select three colleagues to read the article and provide feedback on which style of leadership fits or describes you the most accurately.
3. Is there a mismatch between you self-perception and how others see you? Reflect on the gaps and determine what needs work to bring your perception and others view of your leadership style into alignment.
4. Develop a thirty-day plan to work on the areas needing improvement or your blind spots.
The only question you need to ask about life starts with this Big Hairy Ass question:
What is the reason you are living? Victor Frankl challenges us about the meaning in life when he says: Survival for what? Those who survived the ordeal of concentration camps in WWII created a future orientation rather than a self-center orientation. They created in their mind’s eye a future desire for re-connection with someone or something outside of themselves. This ability to find a mission outside of yourselfis called Self-Transcendance and says is the secret for creating a meaningful purpose in life.
More questions for Self-Reflection:
I go to work each Monday at_________ because I want to______________.
Self Coaching Challenge
What is your professional vision and purpose________________________________________________
What do you need TO do in order to grow and develop as a leader________________________________
What do you say to a person spouting ignorance about race? Just let them talk or confront their irrationality? Promote more education and understanding on projects that unite us? Try to understand the complexities of our own unique American history?
Recently, I was reflecting on this ongoing racism in America and then I remembered a conversation by James Baldwin to Studs Turkel that provided me with information and insight to this ongoing conflict in America. Don’t miss this this audio tape–
White Southern person says “it is just the way I was raise and you Yankees don’t get it”. This is not only an ignorant statement it is a way to try and forgive oneself and gives up the power of independent and critical thinking. You can change your thinking if you chose to. Studs Terkel was best known for his work documenting the stories of everyday Americans, illuminating the undercurrents of the American psyche. James Baldwin’s lyrically hypnotic novels capture the struggles of the American black experience(s), wrestling with the intricacies of human identity in such a way that shakes readers to the core. Baldwin was perhaps best known for his ability to explore the nuance of typically taboo interracial relationships, homosexuality, complexities within spiritual communities and his ability to articulate both anger at injustice and an ongoing belief in the underlining unity of humanity.
In this short and layered conversation, Baldwin recalls listening to Bessie Smith in Switzerland while writing his first novel, Go Tell It On the Mountain, an autobiographical look at growing up in a conservative church in Harlem. He boldly discusses race and racism, the invisibility of the black experience among most white Americans, and the deep need for an education that truly explores the historical interweaving of black and white Americans. “Education,” Baldwin states, “demands a certain daring, a certain independence of the mind.” He talks of how the racism has harmed the nation in ways we are only beginning to recognize.
Terkel and Baldwin close the discussion by touching on his novel Nobody Knows My Name, noting the interdependence of human knowledge and freedom:
”To know your name, you’re going to have to know mine,” Baldwin
Instinctively, we all know how important it is to secure basic needs of rest, water, food, shelter, and warmth are to survival.
The three steps in between the basic physiological needs and the fulfillment needs are where marketing and advertising most directly applies.
This was the essence the Hierarchy of Needs Pyramid, proposed by psychologist Abraham Maslow in the 1940s, shows the advancing scale of how our needs lay out on the path to developing our full potential, meaning, fulfillment, creativity, and the pursuit of what is our passion in life. The version of the pyramid you see below was developed by the Doorway Project and clarifies Maslow’s five different levels of basic, psychological and self-fulfillment needs.
Safety
Belonging
Esteem
In Maslow’s pyramid, the descriptions for these needs don’t hit the “sweet spot” for creating a powerful and “sticky” message or a 1-1 strategic marketing perspective to them, so it requires design thinking and creativity to see how you can tailor your message to fit these needs. Christine Comaford, an author and expert on the subject of messaging and persuasion, has found safety, belonging, and esteem to have incredible value for living our everyday work and family lives more creatively, and on purpose.
Ms. Comaford says: “ Without these three essential keys a person cannot perform, innovate, be emotionally engaged, agree, or move forward…The more we have of (these three elements) the greater the success of the company, the relationship, the family, the team, the individual.
Her experience has helped her hone three phrases that are essential for influence and persuasion and for creating this sense of safety, belonging, and meaning that we all need and desire in our lives.
Here are some concrete verbal phrasing that gets at the basic survival and psychological belonging needs that have been proven successful :
“What if.” This phrase removes ego from the discussion and creates a safe environment for curiosity and brainstorming.
“I need your help.” This statement tips the roles of status from dominant and subordinate, to equality and engaging the other person and provides a sense of shared power and more of an ownership perspective for idea or plan.
“Would it be helpful if.” This phrase shifts the focus from the problem to a cooperative and in some cases a collaborative solution.
Daily Quote: This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.” Dalai Lama
Reflection: Be kind whenever possible. It’s always possibly. I recently said it all in my new poem: On Kindness
Self-Coaching: Tomorrow and for the rest of the week keep track of your kindness to and for others. What was your score at the end of the week ?
Learning to be comfortable with strangers and friends alike means understanding and using the basics of effective communications. To differentiate yourself it is important for you to understand and practice elocution techniques which now are called body language or non-verbal communications. Unfortunately and over time elocution techniques which are more that good non-verbals are not being taught to most public speakers.
el•o•cu•tion
Pronunciation: (el”u-kyOO‘shun), [key]
—n. 1. a person’s manner of speaking or reading aloud in public: The actor’s elocution is faultless. 2. the study and practice of oral delivery, including the control of both voice and gesture
Natural Expression of Thought by Speech and Gesture.
Natural tones are the tones of truth and honesty, of good sense and good taste. It is with them only that the understanding is successfully addressed; with them only that we can arouse and keep awake the intelligence of the listener, which is the object we always have in view, whether we speak our own language or that of another.
Critical Elements of elocution
Attitude
Speech Patterns
Posture
Hand Gestures
Eyes Focus and Contact
Attitude or Mental Schema/Set
You are among friends who want you to succeed.
You are prepared.
You have covered every base.
You will survive.
It cannot be as bad as you expect!
Speech Patterns
Use up and down inflection and eliminate sing song and monotone
Pick words you can pronounce—use common language to connect with audience
Punctuation is there for a purpose—pause
Raise your tone slightly
Natural Posture
Stand up straight –right foot forward; feet 12 inches apart
Stand on your own two feet
Choose your space—and build a triangle for movement
Take a deep breath
Relax and use 10 second relaxation technique
Hand Gestures
An extension of posture and eye contact
Adds emphasis
Must not be distracting—be natural
To use gestures you cannot have other things in your hands
Practice, practice and practice
Rules to Present By–
Find a friendly face or someone to whom you just talked too before the meeting
Use the one person one idea method for connecting. Eye contact needs to be about 3 seconds per person, then move on to someone else
Create a positive and supportive connection by smiling
Build rapport and reinforce openness and flexibility during the speech
Practice the Rule of Five:Don’t take yourself so seriously.
Eliminate fill speech. Just pause and take a deep breath before speaking.
“Lucky people are skilled at creating, noticing, and acting upon chance opportunities. They do this in various ways, which include building and maintaining a strong network, adopting a relaxed attitude to life, being open to new experiences and connecting things which at first glance seem different and unrelated”.
Growth Mindset: Be a Life-long Learner 