Creating the “New You” 2011– Get started by Assessing Relationship Strengths.

“It is also true that our family, friends, and coworkers learn how to treat us by what we teach them. That is, the  new “golden rule” in relationships. To simplify– we teach others how to treat us.”

Assertive and Focused Self-Coaching

We teach others how to treat us. Yet we all interact and make choices in the context of interpersonal relationships. Our attitudes, values, beliefs and behavior are shaped by interpersonal relationships. Although it has been extensively noted that negative relationships are the biggest barrier to happiness and satisfaction at work. It seems that most people continue to struggle with them because of mindset and past experiences.  Luckily, the cure for these troubles are in our own hands.  Relationships are made more complicated than they need to be. If we stop and take the time to do an audit or assessment of relationship strengths at http://www.plusoneperformance under Free Resources. This Relationship Inventory gives you a chance to measure your self on a number of important people issues. You can then give it to a friend to assess where perceptions don’match. If done correctly this will provide a start to see the changes that you need to make to improve your interpersonal relationships..

Meaningful Life Strategies–Prescriptions for Personal Change through Coaching

In developing my philosophy of Meaningful Life Strategies I have been revisiting , reviewing and exploring the principles and practices  of many different counseling theories and processes. One that I find very helpful is Dr. William Glasser’s  Reality Therapy. This theory of counseling  focuses on an individual taking responsibility for their choices in life.  This theory is very aligned with Meaningful Living concept of the “here and now” rather than delving into past traumas  or unresolved  conflicts in life.  A major tenant of RT is that a person can control only the present things going on in their lives.   When identifying problems with an individual, Glasser often found that the issue stemmed from a current unsatisfying relationship or the lack of any sustaining relationship.  These problems develop from the client’s inability to connect, to develop intimacy, or to develop depth with at least one significant person who respected them.   The Reality therapist has the goal to help the consumer to develop better ways of relating to others in order to experience happiness and greater fulfillment in life.  This is one of the challenges of Reality therapy: helping clients to identify that their presentation to the world and their behavior is limiting their ability to be happy and find meaning in life.

Glasser identified six critical needs that guide individuals through life and motivate people to develop caring  and lasting relationships.  These needs are survival, love,  belonging, worth or achievement, independence, and fun.  While each individual has varying degrees of each need, they are present and need an opportunity to be experienced and lived in life.  Reality therapy sees individuals as being social creatures both needing to receive and provide two primary drivers of behavior: love and worth.

The therapist’s responsibility is to help the individual prioritize needs, deciding what is most important and how to make the required changes necessary to enable greater meaning  and responsibility for choices and results.  People develop a concept of what they want for their life and store this information in a scheme he termed their potential world of quality.  It is this concept that counselors must tap into using both the sense of ownership and responsibility for themselves as well as incorporating the idea of decision-making and choice  to develop a more fulfilling and satisfying life.

When understanding behavior in the perspective of reality theory, four identifiable components work together towards understanding one’s experience of happiness, acting, thinking, feeling, and physiology.  Glasser looks at how an individual feels or behaves as being active rather than simply constant states of being.  Rather than saying an individual is depressed, Glasser would identify the individual as depressing, or rather than being angry, the individual would be seen as angering.  These active verb forms place the individual in a position to choose change.  Rather than experiencing  life as something happening to them, they are instead experiencing life as a state that they have the control and responsibility to change.

This is all translated into what I call the  guidelines for Smart Step Change Process. The steps for the Plan are:

1. As a coach connect and understand the person. Focus on understanding, respecting and caring for the person–Be their friend.

2. Try to help them prioritize their needs and wants. Review present choices and see if they are working? Start by clarifying what are they doing now. Don’t dwell on their past experiences.

3. Looks to understand what it means to the person to be fully engaged in life and find meaning through making better choices in the Here and Now. Questions to explore–Does the person think what they are doing is helping or hindering them from being happy and developing a life worth living? Ar they making good choices? If not do they want to change? Are they open to suggestions?

4.  Let’s make a Plan to do something different.

5. To live a meaningful Life –Are you will to make a commitment to the Plan? If so, let’s mobilize the resources and support for change.

6. To get different results you need to change your thinking and behavior. It’s your life so critical question is Do You want to change?

When do you want to start? How will we know you are succeeding?

7. If Plan doesn’t work I will not punish myself  or put myself down.  I will just work on developing a better plan and accept the natural consequences of my choices.

8. Continue to review and evaluate Plan. Adjust the Plan according to new circumstances or if it isn’t working. The matra here is Action-Feedback-fail or succeed-Keep fighting.

Remember the Meaningful of Life strategy emphasizes your freedom of choice when determining the purpose of your life.

Turn Your Dream into an Entrepreneurial Success through Optimism — The “Life is Good Story”

“Perseverance and Optimism can take you anywhere… If you don’t succeed at first–try,try and try again and “know who you are, and live it”.  Bert Jones

Original Jake drawing, July 1994 SEE: Life is Good Story

How it started–The Struggle

After six years of struggling the brothers went to a street fair, they printed up 48 Jake shirts for a local street fair in Cambridge, Massachusetts. They laid the shirts out on their rickety card table. By noontime, all 48 of those tees were gone. A star was born. Soon Jake was introduced to local retailers, and his simple message of optimism was embraced like nothing the brothers had ever seen. As demand for product soared, Jake’s team grew, and the Little Brand That Could began to spread across America.

“Know Who You Are and Live It”

The success mantra often repeated by Burt is “know who you are, and live it”. Now Bert’s no social media guru, nor is he making money from his insight (I believe he donates a lot of his speaking fees to charity – Of course hind site is 20-20. And this quiet, down to earth, and ordinary is simply trying to figure why their idea was a success. May be it is just luck and if you think or don’t know if you have a great idea or not  on other people will let you know if it is a flash or bust. His insight has helped him translate a feeling, an emotion, and a mission from his heart to employees and loving customers. Today, the New England based Life is Good brand stays close to its roots, with an emphasis on optimism, simplicity, and fun. Through Life is Good events, positive work environment  and creative products Life is Good team keeps the fun at work flowing.

His insight has helped him translate a feeling, an emotion, and a mission from his heart to employees and loving customers. For what ever reason luck, timing and great visually designed products the company has been a phenomenal success story. In 15 years , Life is Good has gone from nothing but a dream to a  $ 100 million dollar topline business. success.

In fact, there seems to be nothing Bert and John can’t do with Life is Good business — except articulate why they were successful. While they unquestionably put in the hard work went through the up’s and downs of an entrepreneurial venture , they’re quick to tell you that they were initially lucky and naive about what it would take to be a retail success.  Bert tells an engaging story about their boot-strapping beginning and how lucky they were to make it happen. The “it” is  still a mystery to the founders. Maybe we can hope that someday the details can be captured for the rest of us trying to get our dreams off the ground. The only think I have gleamed from their story is to pay attention to what you have and be responsive to what customers want and give it to them. Next  show patience, listen to others ideas, learn from your mistakes and keep taking risks as long as you can. In the final analysis their secret was to have faith and belief in themselves and be optimistic about their venture and how they lived their lives.

“Optimism focuses on what’s right with the world, rather than on what’s wrong,” says Bert. “It’s tremendously empowering.” While not an action in and of itself, it invites listening, collaboration and outreach. “It allows you to meet new people, learn new things,” he adds. “It’s the belief in the possibility of something —  because then there’s a chance of getting there.”

So what is stopping you from getting your dream job or starting your dream business?

Eliminate Death of Meetings–Improve Communication by Clarifying roles and functions on Team

Facilitators need to possess basic skills to help a group communicate in an open and involved manner.Timely interventions are the key to you success. The tools we are focusing on will be active listening, questioning, and empathy.  Special tools and techniques are utilized to diagnose and address specific issues that face the group. The focus of this blog is to improve your awareness of specific skills such as conflict resolution, reflection of feelings, and honest direct communication. Building interpersonal skills and dealing with problems that block adult learning can dramatically improve the overall productivity of the sessions.Today many organizations are using committees ,task forces and project groups to improve efficiency and effectiveness in operations and functional decision-making activities.  So I thought it would be helpful to dig into two critical Group Processes  “task and maintenance” roles and functions that if you understood would make your meetings more productive and satisfying experiences.

Group Processes

Task Functions and Roles. Helps facilitator and members understand the purpose and goals of the group. Understanding these roles and functions focus the group on using their time and skills to get the job done. The group will  often need assertive and firm leader-facilitators to keep things moving and on target. They relate to and are passionate about the reasons and purpose of the groups assignment and rationale for existing.

“Maintenance” Functions and Roles. These roles provide the ‘oil’ or “glue” for effective small group discussions. They look at how a group goes about getting it’s work done or decisions made. During this group process the focus is on the emotional life of the group. For example, what helps or interferes in helping to get the work of the group accomplished, consider the needs of individuals or communicates to whom etc.  These roles  open up the channels for two-way communication and problem solving.

Identifying and defining Group Process Roles and Functions of Facilitators

“Task” Roles and Functions of Facilitator

Initiator	Start things off; or helps change direction. Initially often the leader.
Energizer	Provides challenes, inspires and stimulates group to discussion and action leading to accomplishing goals of discussion.
Clarifier of Opinions	Takes individual contributions and clarifies them – encourages people to be specific “are you saying that …”, “it seems to me what you are saying is …”
Information giver/and Seeker	Gives or seeks to find out certain information. It may relate to the exact structure of the task.
Coordinator	Clarifies various suggestions, ideas and opinions and seeks agreement to move group ahead
Questioner/Evaluator	Asks fundamental questions about the task of the group. Main factor is the ability to step back from what is going on and challenge assumptions. Confronts the groups level of engagement or activity level.
Summarizer	Does not add anything but provides the facility of checking and clarifying what has been said and achieved. Provides breathing space.

“Maintenance” Roles and Functions of Facilitator

Gatekeeper	attempts to encourage communication, bringing persons into the discussion who have not given their ideas, keeping the discussion  on track and to the point, etc.
Supporter/ Encourager	Provides warmth to individuals “yes, I think that’s a good point”, “that was really helpful” etc. Recognizes and exhibits acceptance of different points of view.
Harmonizer	Tries to reduce conflict and discord in the group by encouraging members to be respectful and considerate yet allows them to share feelings; such as frustrations or anger at others .
Standard Setter and Role Model	Expresses standards and best practices for the group to attempt to achieve, and applies them to evaluating the group process
Self-Discloser	Shares experience like, “This also happened to me” – helps breakthrough to the personal level.
Process observer	Often shows himself when the group gets stuck. Helps unblock group dynamics and get conversation back on track .

Vision of a Leader–Poem by M.W. Hardwick

Vision of a Leader…by M.W.Hardwick

I  See the Needs of Followers

I care …I weep …So  much to do

I Choose to Compromise…Never Hammer

I am a Voice for those …less fortunate

I Have the Luxury to Reflect… Reflect …Reflect

I Have the Power to Believe…I Believe it

I Have the Hope and faith in the future

I get bruised and battered…I get Back Up

Failures…only Make Me Stronger

Today is always testing a New Beginning

Obstacles lie before me …Can’ t Stop me now

I get bruised and battered…I get Back Up

Failures…only Make Me Stronger

I see a better Future

Together we can do more…

I Never Give Up…I Never Give In…I never give in…

I am the Leader for all…

 

My voice…goes on..goes on …Till it doesn’t

Secret to more Effective Interpersonal Communication: Learn the Supporting and Confronting technique

 

To be an effective leader in the 21st Century you must learn how to speak the truth, collaborate and negotiate. Despite our fears, the secret to success when you have differences and difficulties in communicating with others is to learn how to provide understanding and support while confronting the things you don’t agree with.

Many people think that trying to support and confront at the same time is impossible or antithetical. They are not. The  acknowledgment and understanding of the other person’s reality ( supporting) is very powerful in being able to share your truth. You are probably now asking why? The reason that supporting is essential in decreasing interpersonal conflict is that when the other person feels understood their defensiveness are lowered and are now more open to your point of view or perception of the realities of the situation. You can show understanding which is not agreement without  precluding your perfect right to pursue your reality (confronting). All you are doing is asserting your perception or reality that is different and as legitimate a point of view as theirs. This interpersonal interaction does not necessarily lead to a stalemate or conflict it sharpens the differences and open the way for more dialogue and negotiation.

Let me give you an exercise so that you can experience how this technique works:

I am going to provide a situation and you need to write both a supportive response and confronting response for the situation.

This statement is one you might hear frequently when working with groups or teams in a problem solving situation .

Situation 1. We have tried this approach to encouraging sales before and it didn’t work.

Supportive Response_________________________________________________________________________________.

Confronting or Leveling Response_______________________________________________________________________.

I will provide my answers and some of yours on the next blog. Good Luck and have fun with this exercise.

 

Were you able to come up a couple of responses?

Want to understand communication “Blind Spots” –Take the Presentation Style Index.

“Whatever strengthens and purifies thinking, ignites the imagination and adds knowledge  about who we are, is useful and necessary for individual growth. “ Mark W. Hardwick, Ph.D.

Presentation effectiveness is all about helping people learn how to connect and communicate with others, starting with ourselves.  Committing to self-understanding and awareness is challenging and risky.  No one else can do it for you.  There are many ways to find out more about your preferences, strengths and areas for improvement.  You can pay more attention to informal/formal feedback from others, access your core personality attributes, seek understanding through trying different life experiences and challenges and seek insight through assessment instruments like the Presentation Style Index (PSI).

Why do many of us know more about our favorite sports team or our next car, than who we are and how our communications are experienced by others? Generally, it is because we do not seek feedback.  We assume that what we have been doing brings us success so there is no need for improvement. This indicates that you might be living in denial, contentment, confusion or fear about learning how you come across to others.

Taking responsibility for our choices and being responsible for life is no small task.  This ownership begins with self-understanding.  In taking the Presentation Style Index (PSI) we encourage you to examine what you say and do.  This knowledge provides information to gauge your impact on others and then own the responsibility for changing those things needing improvement.  Many have said we develop our communication effectiveness by understanding our strengths and managing our weaknesses, so let’s get started on exploring and finding out that unique person –you, your presentation style and how it impacts others.

Poem: Reflections on the Gift of Love

Gift of Love–M.W. Hardwick

The brightness of my love still shines.

time rolls on without delay, birthdays come and go

Moments turn to days to months and years,

years merge in both precious and unexplained ways.

Love, happiness depends on caring, attention and some luck

at the center I have chosen you and you me.

All the gifts we could give–greatest is love.

We share the gift of love by

opening our hearts to all humanity

By being slow to criticize and judge…

And being humble for our good fortune.

Be  slow to anger and quick to forgive

Show elements of love, patience

empathy, caring and acceptance daily–

Find a piece of serenity and the warmth of …

The Gift of love. the gift of love, The gift of Love…

Negotiation by White House Team failed! Why? Incompetence.

“The country needs & demands bold, persistent experimentation…take a method & try it: If it fails, try another.” FDR

President stepping on it. The bear trap was set and the president and his so-called negotiating team walked right into it and are now stuck. What went wrong? Let me lay out a few errors in the White House deal with Republicans:

1. President Obama talked about changing or letting the tax breaks for the wealthy expire during the campaign. He even said the “tax cuts for the wealthy offended his conscience”. (Indiana Speech on the campaign trail 2008) . Then when elected and having the political capital to do something about these taxes the White House and Congress did nothing but “kick the can” down the road. Then at the 11th hour Obama refuses to take a strong stand and hands off the negotiations to, Tim Gittner  and his Budget Director, two incompetent weak links, who caved-in to the “Party of No”.

2. White house had no negotiating strategy but to get something done. They are incompetent or disinterested in representing the people who elected him.

3. Sent VP Biden down to the Congress to tell the Democrats who had just come through a tough beating in the election. Biden’s message on the Tax Cut deal–” take it or leave it”. This is arrogant and unacceptable way to treat dully elected officials. A serious miscalculation and unacceptable and incompetent way to govern in a Democracy.

2. Republicans are now circulating a strategic memo to start calling the new tax cuts if passed the Obama tax cuts. Then when they come into power they can start screaming about the deficit and failed Obama policies.

3. Didn’t realize you can’t negotiate with a dishonest broker, someone who has a hidden agenda. or is operating to destroy you.

4. Democratic negotiating team had no vision or clear-cut goals going into the negotiation

5. President Obama is obsessed with bipartisanship at any cost. 700-900 Billion to the top 2% wealthiest people in the US.

What is next–a revolt of the true democrats and smart policy makers to not let this happen on their watch. For example, Nancy Pelosi will not let a vote happen on this horrible tax plan.

Where do you stand on this Tax Plan?

 

Challenge for Obama’s Presidency: What went wrong and where to go from here?

Obama caves-in and gives the Party of No another astounding victory against the majority of Americans declared opposition to wealthy tax cuts, those of us who expected an assertive and pro-active President are puzzled by his inept style of negotiating with himself before confronting the Republicans failed policies of more tax cuts, greed and accumulation of more money for the wealthy.  Obama announced yesterday to continue to play “kick the can” with the Republicans at the expense of the middle class.  It seems to me this White House does not care to or want to fight for the 84% of the Democrats who said no more tax cuts for the wealthy and no more deficit spending. This was a moment of truth for this President in the war for the soul of our Representative  Republic. He failed by looking weak and incompetent.  We must try to save him from his own tragic and ill-advised strategy of “rope a dope.”  Maybe he just wants to be known as a nice guy. But really how many punches can you take before fighting back?