Daily Quotes and Reflection–Trust and Vulnerability

Quotes:

“Vulnerability is . . . part of being human.  It’s as simple and as complicated as that. If we can’t be in touch with (and openly share) both our vulnerability and our strength in a balanced way, our self-regard suffers—and we won’t see others or ourselves clearly.” Dr. Carl Rogers

Trust is …is being courageous enough to open fully to another and accept the vulnerability of this state of being…

Reflection: I think to be trusting you need to be comfortable about self-disclosure and realize in being open you are vulnerable to other people labeling you less than… In addition, you risk being labeled as something you are not.   Trusting requires you to have a clear and strong self-awareness.  Trusting removes defensiveness and enables you to connect in a more meaningful way we others.

Action Assignment: Complete the following sentence to get at how and why you trust others.

When dealing with others trust is___________________________________.

Then reflect on your  sentence and try to figure out whether you give trust freely to others or they have to earn trust.

Gestures and other non-verbal communication tips to support and amplify “sticky” message

”What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say.” —Emerson

One of the most frequently asked question of presentation coaches is “What do I do with my hands or eyes” and How do I use gestures to connect or hurt my performance ? The worst thing you can do is to try to think about what you’re saying and figuring out at the same time how to gesture, move  use your hands, where you need to stand etc. One of the most important things to understand about presenting is that being yourself which includes aligning gestures with words and intent must be natural if you are going to be perceived as open, trustworthy and authentic.

My advice is to review a video of yourself presenting and you will quickly see how you come across to people. Any habit used to often in a presentation can become a distraction to the audience. For example, finger pointing or moving around the podium randomly will diminish your effectiveness and impact. Now let’s look at some Non-Verbal communication tools that support and amplify “sticky” message

 Handshake.  Firm and palm-to-palm contact is important for demonstrating confidence and sincerity. The fish shake with the tips of the fingers of the hand  signals insecurity and lack of confidence.  The handshake can leave either a good, poor or weak first impression and of course, comes into play to signal agreement or goodwill at the end of a meeting.

Eye contact. The eyes are the most powerful part of our body language, and can express everything from happiness, annoyance, interest, boredom and frustration. Consistent and frequent  eye contact using the technique of presenter communicating one thought to one person is a powerful way to build rapport and is usually perceived as the speaker being warm, honest and engaging. Darting eyes and looking over the heads of the audience is interpreted as nervousness, aloofness or disengagement by the audience.
Gestures:  Hands, Arms and legs position. Folded arms or crossed legs, perhaps turning away slightly, indicates a lack of interest and detachment. Later uncrossed arms and legs may be a sign of acceptance of your position or terms. An expressive presentation style will have toes pointed out and hands open when gesturing.   A less dynamic and shy presentation style  will point at members of the audience and keep their toes pointed in. None of these come through as positive gestures to the audience.
Posture and Movement. If you are trying to appear confident and authoritative, stand erect with shoulders back and legs about 12” apart with one leg further forward than the other . A slumped position usually indicates insecurity, nervousness and uneasiness.
Facial expression. A critical message delivered with a smiling face will have a totally different impact than one delivered with a stern or frowning face. In ability to smile or laugh sincerely makes you appear to be robitic or stiff as a presenter. Think here Al Gore or Mitt Romney who demonstrate that stiffness doesn’t work, because the warmth and sincerity is lost.

One last tip do not try to choreography or structure nonverbal behaviors. I’ve seen far too many presenters attempt to illustrate their narrative with specific gestures and wind up looking like buffoons. Instead, use your hands, arms and movements as you do naturally, to illustrate what you are saying. However, I do recommend one gesture: to extend your hand and arm periodically, bridging the gap between you and your audience  with your hand in handshake position or palms up signalling openness to comments and feedback

Three Ways to Influence and Change People’s Point of view.

We  all work hard to influence others. It is a part of daily life.  Unlike just sharing information or trying to increase the audience’s awareness, influence is about getting others to change their beliefs and act on new ideas and points of view.  The process of influence involves the use of strong arguments  and knowing  how to  be perceived and providing a message that makes your presentation credible and believable.  Having reviewed many studies and research with the purpose of trying to identify helpful and power influencing approaches. I have identified three powerful tactics that may fit that purpose. These tactics I hope will be a good addition for your persuasive tool kit. Here they are for your review:

1. Always do your homework on the person and audience you are communicating with. If you can identify the majority of beliefs and needs of the audience you can shape your arguments to reinforce the beliefs and provide ways to be relevant in meeting their needs. You message needs to be relevant and targeted. Remember the message is not about you but influence the audience to think and act in new ways.

2. Be flexible and open because there  is no single way to influence or change people’s point of view. Being perceived as dogmatic or rigided in seeking support or trying to influence others will undermined your credibility and authenticity. Pushing to hard pushes people to be defensive and play the “the Yes But..game”

3, There are all sorts of ways language and right words  can communicate sincerity and authenticity . Here are some solid facts for you:

• People usually judge that more details mean someone is telling  the truth, this creates creditable
• We find stories that are relevant have more power and chance to connect. Thus you are more influential if the audience is on the same emotional level..
• We even think more raw facts make unlikely events more likely. Thus you are are perceived as more believable.

Just providing more tangibility  can be enough according to a recent study by Hansen and Wanke (2010). Compare these two sentences:

A recent study by Hansen and Wanke (2010) indicated that “statements of the very same content were judged as more probably true when they were written in concrete language than when they were written in abstract language.”

Take a look at these two sentences:

• “Hamburg is the European record holder concerning the number of bridges.”
• “In Hamburg, one can count the highest number of bridges in Europe.”

Which sentence did you find more believable?  In Hansen and Wanke’s study, “Truth From Language and Truth From Fit,” participants rated the second sentence as more believable.  While there isn’t any more detail in the second sentence or any significantly different meaning, it is rated as more believable because “it doesn’t beat around the bush, it conjures a simple, unambiguous and compelling image: you counting bridges.”

Hansen and Wanke give three reasons why concrete language indicates truth:

1. Since our minds process concrete statements quickly, we automatically associate quick and easy with true.
2. It is easier to create mental pictures of concrete statements.  Easier to recall = seems more true.
3. When something can be easily pictured, it just seems more likely.  Easily pictured = more believable.

What are the implications of this study on concrete language and truth for your life?  Fortunately, most of us don’t go through the day coming up with ways to manipulate and distort what we are saying in order to be perceived as trustworthy or believable.  Perhaps an underlying reason why simple concrete language is perceived as more truthful is because when we are telling the truth, we’re usually not over-thinking it – we just tell it as it is.

We all have different styles of communication, and some of us have a natural tendency to go into more detail when telling stories/recounting events than others.  As with everything, context is key.  When you are listening to someone’s story, be sure to take into account what you already know about this person, how they typically communicate, as well as any relevant facts.  If someone is feeling stressed,  overwhelmed, or rushed, they will relay information or tell a story quite differently than when they are relaxed and calm.

When in doubt, just remember: keep it clear, concise, tangible and compelling.

Daily Quote and Reflection: Are we in Danger of Losing our Listening and Understanding of Others?

Daily Quote According to Julian Treasure we have a major problem in interpersonal communications–”We Losing our ability to listen and understand others—We spend  65% of our day listening and only remember 25% of what is said to us.”

Reflection: What caught my attention, however, was the section where he talks about listening for leaders, teachers, spouses, parents or friends.  He uses “Rasa”, the sanskrit word for essence, as an acronym for effective listening  The essence of effective listening is to use-Rasa (Receive, Appreciate Summarize and  Ask) to be more engaged in the art of effective listening.

What caught my attention, however, was the section where he talks about listening for leaders, teachers, spouses, parents or friends.  He uses “Rasa”,  meaning the essence or core , as an acronym for:

Receive – pay attention and make a unique connect

Appreciate – show that you are engaged and interested –turn-off the cell and put down the Blackberry etc.

Summarize – make sure you understood

Ask – expand your knowledge

Other topics he tackles in this AHA Speech are the barriers to listening. He says we are to impatient and pickup just  sound bites, we are all too much in a hurry and no one teaches us about the importance and how to listening more effectively. We must all learn to listen more consciously to understand each other by consciously listening for understanding, rather than shouting, criticizing and judging others. If concentrate on learning the skills of listening we can create a better world by understanding and respecting others.

Here is my reflective challenge for you –View the TED video by Julian Treasure then ask Are you embracing listening in your daily interactions ?  In your different roles of parent, teacher, mentor are your actions aligned with the RASA elements of listening. And if not how could you put them into your life so that relationships become more effective?

Daily Quote and Reflection: Why Trust begins with Yourself and other observations

Quote:  Emerson once said: “Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly, and they will show themselves great”

Reflection: Emerson was talking about how to connect with others and loyalty. Is point of view is that trust doesn’t start with the other person,but begins by looking in the mirror and deciding what it takes for you to trust others. Do you give automatically until the person disappoints you or do you make others earn it ?  Essentially, Emerson is talking about how to connect emotionally with others. He is expressing his belief that in order to build an effective relationship we must start with trusting others. Trust needs to be demonstrated through your behavior not just by mouthing the words.  As i reflect on my own experiences in building an effective team I think trust is the cornerstone for being working and building together.  If your team individually and collectively is supportive of others and loyal you can build on this climate to great more synergy (1+1 =3) to reach way beyond what any one individual could to by themselves. Team members go way beyond what is expected by being engaged in both work and personal issues. Trust like this reduces defensiveness and unhealthy competition so that you team can produce spectacular and high levels of satisfaction for themselves and clients or peers they work with.  This respectful treatment of giving trust away reduces individual insecurities and opens the door for maximizing possibilities. Your expectations and ability to trust will great enormous energy and self-belief in others and after growing in this positive environment, they’ll not only believe and trust you,they will prove themselves great. I think Emerson is coining the idea of the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy (SFP) before Robert Merton, social psychologist identified and label the power of this concept.

Coaching Framework and Elements of Customer-Focused Selling.

Framework for Sales Coaching  

1. Selling is a mutual exchange of value. Helping the customer find the service or product that will provide value and met their needs.
2. Selling isn’t something you do to people; it’s something you do for and with them.
3. Developing trust and rapport precedes any selling activity.
4. Understanding people’s  needs and pain must always precede attempts to present and  sell.
5. Selling techniques give way to values-driven principles.
6. Truth, respect, and credibility provide the basis for long-term relationships.
7. Values and perceptions contribute more to sales success than do techniques or strategies.
8. Empathy is the key to understanding customers problems.
9. Coaching is never manipulation. It’s always counseling and trust  on understanding and care. It is a “discovery” learning and problem solving process not a “tell and sell” approach for helping the the buyer to to find and buy what they need not what you want to sell.  Openness and honesty are the cornerstone of the process. It is customer-centered  not sales-driven process
10. Closing is a win customer.

Elements of  a Sales Coaching Session.

1. Establish a respectful and trusting relationship. Challenge your assumptions about the person’s ability and shortcomings, gather the data and information.  Be matter of fact in presenting information and ask open-ended questions to find-out sales person’s concerns and issues.

2. Explore the Difference and Identify Problems

3.   Sharpen the Difference or Agreement–establish priorities for coaching session

4.    Identifying and Exploring making the relationship a personal win  solution for salesperson.

5. Get Commitment – Identify Action Plan – Follow-Up by using Smart-steps for change

6.  Continuous Improvement and Feedback Loops to support change and open communication.

Poem: Be Strong– Lean In and Confront Fears

Lean in Confront Fear—Be strong

Most fear comes from condemnation

Only fearlessness caring, confrontation

Will set you free

As the wind blows and clouds darken

Storm approaches ominous in its potential

What to we fear– loss, injury or death

The mind produces uneasiness

Illusions And delusions take center stage

While reality fades action stops—we are “stuck”

Fear itself grips your insides and out

Facing fear is the only way through it.

Stamp-out the fear demons with action or a call for help

Be strong and think clearly

On the other-side are not dark shadows, clouds and destructive winds

But understanding, support and the ability to stand strong.

Based in Trust of experience and past successes comes confidence.

Confidence will come where fear is faced eye to eye.

The way to confidence and survival is only through the fear,

Trust your Self and take action

Face fear, lean-in and  positive results await

The way through is to be STRONG.. Be Strong….Be Strong…

When Trust is Broken…Lesson from the Anthony Weiner Debacle

‘ I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on I can’t believe you.” Frederich Nietzsche

“The glue that holds all relationships together – including the relationship between; the leader and the led is trust, and trust is based on TELLING THE TRUTH AND INTEGRITY. MWH

The only person who now can correct this situation is Representative Weiner. He needs to make a difficult choice about whether to stay or resign his position in Congress. Based on the information revealed so far and the standards of Congress he now needs to do the right thing—resign. Let’s get beyond this distraction and start solving the rel problems ofAmerica—the need for quality jobs and a thriving economy. What do you think?As the American public contemplates another man acting badly (Congressman Weiner’s lewd behavior and cover-up) I reflected that at the core of this issue is broken trust. When we look at Weiner’s and many other men’s inappropriate and embarrassing personal behavior we see a lack of impulse control and in general an inability to monitor their testosterone urges. They have difficulty anticipating or measuring consequences for their action or think they are to powerful to be held accountable for their actions. Remember that trust is the glue that holds and keeps relationships together. Without trust you lose credibility and without credibility it is difficult to do your job for the people you are representing. Connecting with others becomes difficult, and collaboration to solve problems next to impossible. To be trustworthy means to be dependable or that you can be counted on to do what you said you will do (DWYSYWD).

Keys to Relationship Building: Listen, Empathize, Exploration and Partner

Listen,, Empathize, Exploration, and Partner.

Listening requires active listening, not passive hearing and relaxing. In this process, the active listener hears and tries to understand what the other person is saying and checks understanding of the content and feeling  by mirroring back and restating what the person has communicated. At this level of listening the listener is not interrupting or interpreting what the person is saying.  Your goal is to get on the same page with the speaker. To question or state disagreement undermines your ability to connect and build trust with the person. For many people this level of listening is difficult and uncomfortable because it seems like the conversation is moving to slowly and feels like you are  accepting and confirming the other person’s point of view. They don’t realize that there will be plenty of time to present their view after trust and acceptance is established. As a effective listener you can’t rush rapport and trust building .Empathizing involves aligning yourself with the patient’s angers, fears, and frustrations. You ask, “How does that make you feel?” You show you

understand, for example, that what the person is saying or their reality.xperience.

Agreeing is the difficult point. The patient will ask in relation to the

delusion or to his denial of being ill, “Do you believe me?” Of course, you must be

honest, or trust will be lost. So the point is to delay answering that question. You

say, “I will answer that, but first tell me more.” Or, “What I think isn’t important, I

want to know what you believe.” Or, “Your opinion is the one that matters.” And

finally, if the patient has memory problems, you can distract him or her and hope

the question will go away. When you finally do answer that question, you can

“agree to disagree” about the specific elements of delusion and whether the patient

is or is not ill. In this discussion, you try to focus on the problems that the patient

sees, not that you see.

Partnering is the last step. If the patient understands that you are

trustworthy and feel there’s a need for medication, therapy, or hospitalization, then

you can work together to begin planning the treatment.

Want to Live a more Meaningful Life–Know and Trust Yourself

 

” As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”  Cicero

1. Being present when others speak builds trust. Being present encourages  others to speak their mind and share their view of the world. It is opportunity for would be leaders to connect and understand others.  Over the years I have learned a  “magic formula” for connecting in conversations– speaker talks 75% and Listener 25% . This formula signals I care. Try it and see what I mean.
2. Trust is more than confidence. One dictionary tells us that trust implies instinctive, unquestioning belief in and reliance upon someone or something. Confidence implies conscious trust because of good reasons, definite evidence, truthful and fact-based data or past experience .  Confidence is cerebral, more planned and based on expectations than trust. Trust is more intuitive and instinctive, it is spontaneous and more freely given. So ask yourself:  What is trust?  How do you know, when it is present? When broken how do you repair the damage?
3. Interference blocks trust and openness. When I am fearful I direct my energies not in discovering the truth, but toward protecting myself from seen, expected, or disaster fantasies or dangers. I am not sure of who I am, cover up and put on protective masks, become concerned about how I ought to meet the expectations of others, and find it difficult to be truthful and authentically interact with others. Trust enriches my experience; fear robs it. When someone smiles they seem to be reaching out and connecting to a friendly. To me it signals that the person is transparent, open, and ready to be engaged. With the smile they are non-verbally communicating and seem to be saying I will trust you to enter my world. In my very best moments, I feel inside the way they seems to be when they are smiling at us. Trusting, calm, confident and full of life.  We all can boost our odds of harnessing the power of trust and open communication.

When it comes to trust, it’s not about talking or ideas. It’s about making risking and being vulnerable happen. What’s your next step?

Identify an important relationship and then in the next 24 hours try using one of the principles just mentioned to improve your trust level with this person. . Give us some feedback: Did you try improving trust? Did you ignore the challenge? If you tried to increase trust did your attempt work? What did you do?  Where did you get stuck or miss the mark? What would you do differently next time to improve your trust level with this person.

 

Power of Connection–Secret to Love,Worth and Meaning in Life

“In order for connections to happen we must be vulnerable and show are true selfs to others. ” Dr. Beren Brown

I recently came across an outstanding talk by Dr. Berne Brown at TED.  She talks about the power of being connected, vulnerable and whole heartiness. What make people vulnerable is what makes people beautiful and happy. To find meaning we need the  ability to empathize, belong, love.  This is humorous talk by a truly authentic person.  She shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity. Her insight about  shame and vulnerabilty answer many questions on the meaning in life and joy of life. I think here concept of how we try to avoid pain through denial and by numbing  our emotions can be a real break through. My take away is that we are all worthy of love and worth. Tweet or respond to this video by telling me your definition of vulnerability and how you handle it. Enjoy. 

Essence of Healing–Do you Care?

Poem of Caring and Healing–M.W.Hardwick

I come with trepidation

Anxious about the message and words

Wondering about how many lingering sunsets

Are left to see.

Your nervous voice and frantic pace

Worries my heart

My brain informs me and my heart decides

Do you care enough…Are you too aloof

Can I trust you? Really doc where are you?

Are you here with me? Or just trying too hard?

I want to be confident in your knowledge, experience and wisdom

Where are the words of healing and hope…

Can we connect and lick this thing? Or am I alone?

My healing is a two-way street and

Your humility and humanness make all the difference

Show me the calm and tranquility

rhythms of healing start with friendship and trust

I now begin to feel your connection

My heart sings..

Love…Caring …overcomes both our fears

And together we can take this journey of healing

Facing it with trust, confidence

What is meant to be…

Will be… and comes with angst, hope

And final form of healing …

Caring leads the way to my

Cry of acceptance…

Peace of mind and heart…

Final Peace…peace…through

Unconditional Love…love…love

On Becoming more Trusting–Be Present, Aware and Authentic

On Become more Trusting

” As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”  Cicero

1. Being present when others speak builds trust. Being present encourages  others to speak their mind and share their view of the world. It is opportunity for would be leaders to connect and understand others.  Over the years I have learned a  “magic formula” for connecting in conversations– speaker talks 75% and Listener 25% . This formula signals I care. Try it and see what I mean.
2. Trust is more than confidence. One dictionary tells us that trust implies instinctive, unquestioning belief in and reliance upon someone or something. Confidence implies conscious trust because of good reasons, definite evidence, truthful and fact-based data or past experience .  Confidence is cerebral, more planned and based on expectations than trust. Trust is more intuitive and instinctive, it is spontaneous and more freely given. So ask yourself:  What is trust?  How do you know, when it is present? When broken how do you repair the damage?
3. Interference blocks trust and openness. When I am fearful I direct my energies not in discovering the truth, but toward protecting myself from seen, expected, or disaster fantasies or dangers. I am not sure of who I am, cover up and put on protective masks, become concerned about how I ought to meet the expectations of others, and find it difficult to be truthful and authentically interact with others. Trust enriches my experience; fear robs it. When someone smiles they seem to be reaching out and connecting to a friendly. To me it signals that the person is transparent, open, and ready to be engaged. With the smile they are non-verbally communicating and seem to be saying I will trust you to enter my world. In my very best moments, I feel inside the way they seems to be when they are smiling at us. Trusting, calm, confident and full of life.  We all can boost our odds of harnessing the power of trust and open communication.

Your assignment is  to become more trusting with a significant other in your life by using one of the principles just mention. Give us some feedback: On what worked? Where did you get stuck or miss the mark? What would you do differently next time to improve your trust level with this person.

Want to improve Team Meetings-Learn these 3 Principles of Group Dynamics

“The basic principle of effective team dynamics is for the facilitator to promote the feeling that every human being is equal. unique and adds value for accomplishing the team’s goals.”  M.W. Hardwick, Ph.D.

Three critical success factors of Group Dynamics

1. Inclusion
2. Control
3. Openness

Inclusion-Everyone wants to feel welcomed and part of the team. Since  your team meeting is a social and interpersonal interaction establishing early and strong connections with your members is critical for creating a positive climate. Begin to establish strong rapport before meeting begins.  One way I have found that is helpful is to welcome everyone with a one-on-one contact and check how their day has gone.Try asking questions such as, What are they ready to discuss? Are they preoccupied or cleared to go? Do they need time to re-focus before taking up the agenda?  As the meeting proceeds try to include and get comments from everyone around the table or on the phone. I find using the “go around” tool helpful in getting everyone involved from the beginning of the meeting.

Control–In the beginning you are looked at the conductor of the orchestra. It is imperative that you accept this role. You can accomplish this by setting direction and structure for the meeting. Providing a clear roadmap for the meeting solves this group issue.  In other words tell them what the purpose and objectives are for the meeting and then check to see if this meets their expectations. Also, acknowledge their experience and expertise. Request their input and contributions. Focus on learning from each other. Give the team choices on how to proceed and ground rules for having an effective and worthwhile conversation. Encourage challenges and request from the group in order to facilitate shared leadership and learning.

Openness–Is all about being non-defensive and authentic in responding to group members. As the group leader you need to model for members directness, caring and assertive style. You need to practice active listening using the power of clarifying points of view, paraphrasing to show understanding, and responding in a leveling and constructive manner that leads to more engagement and interaction. If members feel you are not leveling it will lead to fragmentation and divisiveness in the conversation. You must challenge the group to use their imagination and problem solving skills when discussing case studies and simulation activities. By being open you will teach the group to trust and work together in learning to solve problems and discover new ways to do things.

Next time you facilitate a meeting keep these principles in mind and I promise less frustration and more success in accomplishing the team’s goals.

Poem: Letting go..judgment, healing and love

Poem:  by Mark W.Hardwick

My words go unheeded

Appeal for healing and help

Listening is fleeting understanding loss

Is this just an experience in futility.

There appears a chasm between loving and daily living.

Game playing hides self-delusion and mistrust.

Working out ways to build trust are fleeting

By letting you grow in your own way

With time. change happens.

Trusting you means risk and a leap to unknown

Both require courage

There are no guarantees when molds are formed,

Moving targets are hard to hit

Anger is attempt to place blame and

invoke guilt and shame…

After time criticism and fears surface…

We are lost in our selfish “point of view”

Seldom are we “present ” as confusion reins

No rainbow is emerging …

What to do becomes center stage

And no one finds room to let go…

To let go… and provide caring wrap in a hug

Can we find room to move on…move on…

Or are we stuck in this illusion called LOVE.

Only you know the answers to these judgments.

A weapon against self-awareness…it separates us

Sets in motion a spiral to the bottom…

Forgiveness opens the window to who you are

Let’s try acceptance and relinquish weapons that push us apart

Self hate reduces and shortens happiness as

Time and others move on as REALITY AND LOVE SLIP AWAY…