Exercise on Interpersonal Conflict: How to control frustrations and anger to solve problems

 

“If we don’t change the direction we are going, we are likely to end up where we are heading.” – Chinese Proverb

Of the three basic emotions that lead to poor productivity and interpersonal flare-ups —disappointment, frustration and fear—frustration leading to anger is the most destructive. Your particular situation may involve enormous frustrations and disappointments with others or yourself.  (“I needed to find better ways to handle Danny’s tantrums before I create a never-ending battle of the wills.” Darn him for always having a melt down when I need his cooperation.”) or enormous self-anger (“Why, why, why can’t I be a better Dad when things are not going well with the kids; m expected reaction just raises the temperature and sets him off. I really hurt our relationship when I get anger.” Whatever the proportions, some feel frustrated guilty but resist letting the situation escalate to anger, shouting and demanding; others acknowledge their frustration and inability to handle the situation but feel “stuck” in same old patterns.. Most of these regrets get you stuck in unproductive perseverance.

Considering frustration and anger separately makes both more useful. Right now, think of something or someone you are frustrated with… With that situation or person in mind, finish this sentence: “I’m frustrated that __________.” Repeat the exercise until you run out of frustrations and things related to that person or situation. For example, if you are  frustrated with a building contractor not finishing on time or making major errors on the project, you might say, “I’m frustrated and extremely disappointed that I have to stay on top of every piece of this remodeling project or it doesn’t get done on budget or in a timely manner. I’m angry that I chose such an incompetent builder and that this project is taking up all my time and energy. ” So this first exercise gets at the root causes for the frustrations.

Now that you have fully itemized the causes for the frustrations make another list of possible solutions needed to be implemented to solve the causes. In this part 2 of the exercise begin each sentence with the phrase, “I’m frustrated and angry at ________ because________ and I want to resolve this by _____________” For example, “I’m angry at Bill, the builder,  because of the cost and time over runs and I want to solve this by instituting a daily meeting to set priorities and action items for completion. To ensure we stay on task I am immediately bringing in a new supervisor for the project.” I’m sad about the need for this tight structure and supervision and the finger-pointing and blame game that has been going on” Write down the solution based  on your identification of the causes for the frustrations and anger about the personnel and situation.

Underneath frustrations is the feeling of disappointment when looking back at what we could have done. It does have a piece of self-loathing. Also, anger for what took place or is still happening. Try learning the lessons the experience is teaching you now rather than looking back and obsessively contemplating what could have been. Reflecting on Warren Buffet’s view of looking back may help you put frustrations and disappointments in perspective–”I never look back. I figure there is so much to look forward to that there is no sense thinking of what I might have done. It just doesn’t make any difference. You can only live life forward.”  So as you think about your frustrations right now–If you had the opportunity for a “do over” what would you do differently? What can you do now to correct the situation or put the project back on track?

Finally, remember that you need to focus on living and working fully and intensely in the present, with minimal infringement from the past failures or miscues to solve this problem and improve productively and enable others on the team to do their best work.

Business Development Architecture:A Model based on Messaging

The goal for successful sales interactions is to understand the customer needs and help them differentiated their services or products in unique ways and provide value that can be evaluated against a consistent  and tangible criteria.   Over the years I have been in the business of designing an effective Sales Architecture called a “structure with process” for business development. This model is dependent on designing a message that is grounded. compelling and believable. In this blog I will outline the stages you need to follow in building a “sticky” and effective ” Business Develoment Architecture”.

Business Development Architecture–Stages of Message Development   

Stage 1. Message gathering intelligence and information

Stage2. Message design and structuring

Stage 3. Message implementation

Stage 4. Message Evaluation

In the next blog I will flush-out the definition and details of this Business Development Architecture.

Fact: 80% of employees not involved or engaged at work. Want to change this situation?

In the past I have blogged about the chain for success in motivating and creating engaged employees. I have used SAS, rated last year as number one or best place to work and Whole Foods as models because they pay a living wage above their peer group, individual opportunities for growth through education and training and create pleasant, safe and involved workplaces. The results show if employees are treated fairly and with respect then customers will be satisfied and beat a path to their door. I have ask you to reflect on what a great workplace would be like and you respond with replies that essentially follow some of the elements Tony Schwartz in a recent HBR article. I think Mr.Schwartz has it right and wanted to share some of his observations and insights. He and other researchers have found  – That only 20 per cent of employees around the world report their excited and fully engaged at work. This group sees work as a “want to” not as a “have to”.  This 80/20 gap has important significance for workers, company and especially customers.  Mr. Schwartz says “It’s a disconnect that serves no one well. So what’s the solution? Where is the win-win for employers and employees? The answer is that great employers must shift the focus from trying to get more out of people, to investing more in them by addressing their four core needs — physical, emotional, mental and spiritual — so they’re freed, fueled and inspired to bring the best of themselves to work every day.” He identifies 12 elements for successful workplace that engages and respects employees. For example he talks about sharing the wealth and rewards of profitability with all stakeholders. This element would say to employees we ar all in this venture together “Give all employees a stake in the company’s success, in the form of profit-sharing, or stock options, or bonuses tied to performance. If the company does well, all employees should share in the success, in meaningful ways.” He cites  11 other elements that lend credence to his theory of how to go about creating a win-win environment for all. In this article you are provided with a standard to measure your company against. So get busy seeing if your company passes the test of employee engagement and if you are in a position of influence start thinking about what needs to be changed in your workplace to create an environment that gets everyone engaged and supportive of the organizations mission and vision. .

Is there a Group Intelligence Factor and Does it make a difference in Problem Solving?

Quote: “Teamwork is the ability to work together toward a common vision. The ability to direct individual accomplishments toward organizational objectives. It is the fuel that allows common people to attain uncommon results. The achievements of a team are the results of the combined effort of each individual” Vincent Lombardi

For many years there has been an explosion of using teams to increase productivity from software conversion projects to employee problem solving and innovation. Many questions remain about how and why teams are successful and why other task forces or teams fail. For some researchers it is all about team make-up and group dynamics. Many questions remain that need answers. One important experiment was recently completed by Anita Woolley at Carnegie Mellon University to examine if there is  general intelligence in teams. The results of the research suggest that “individual brainpower contributes little to collective team smarts as measured by their ability to solve problems.  Dr. Woolly was motivated to conduct these studies because she felt there is a lack  of agreed to  criterion in predicting which groups will perform well and which won’t. Addition she wanted to test she the hypothesis of whether groups behave as individuals in having the  an underlying factor (intelligence) that seems to drive how individuals perform in multiple situations and different cognitive domains. 

To determine whether something similar also operated in collective minds, Woolley’s team divided 600 test subjects into groups of two to five people, then had each group complete a variety of problem-solving tasks. Afterward the researchers interviewed the groups and each participant. They measured group cohesion and motivation, individual intelligence and personality, and other factors previously associated with group performance. Their analysis was reviewed in Wired Science which reported that researchers found several characteristics linked to group performance — and none involved individual intelligence. What mattered instead was the social sensitivity of individual members, the proportion of women (who tend to be more sensitive) in each group, and a balanced participation of interaction and “air time” for conversing and discussing the problem to be solved and appropriate solutions.  Gender and social sensitivity are linked, said Woolley, making emotional intelligence and conversation balance the most important factors in group performance. Not only was individual intelligence irrelevant, but group cohesion mattered little. Neither did motivation or happiness — a finding that most workers would find disconcerting.

The results for the study are not that surprising for team leaders and experienced facilitators-it’s emotional intelligence and social awareness — the ability to pick up on emotional cues in others — that seems to determine how effective and smart a group can be. What do you think ? Does this research square with your experience? Let us know your thoughts.

 

Daily Quote and Reflection: Why Trust begins with Yourself and other observations

Quote:  Emerson once said: “Trust men and they will be true to you; treat them greatly, and they will show themselves great”

Reflection: Emerson was talking about how to connect with others and loyalty. Is point of view is that trust doesn’t start with the other person,but begins by looking in the mirror and deciding what it takes for you to trust others. Do you give automatically until the person disappoints you or do you make others earn it ?  Essentially, Emerson is talking about how to connect emotionally with others. He is expressing his belief that in order to build an effective relationship we must start with trusting others. Trust needs to be demonstrated through your behavior not just by mouthing the words.  As i reflect on my own experiences in building an effective team I think trust is the cornerstone for being working and building together.  If your team individually and collectively is supportive of others and loyal you can build on this climate to great more synergy (1+1 =3) to reach way beyond what any one individual could to by themselves. Team members go way beyond what is expected by being engaged in both work and personal issues. Trust like this reduces defensiveness and unhealthy competition so that you team can produce spectacular and high levels of satisfaction for themselves and clients or peers they work with.  This respectful treatment of giving trust away reduces individual insecurities and opens the door for maximizing possibilities. Your expectations and ability to trust will great enormous energy and self-belief in others and after growing in this positive environment, they’ll not only believe and trust you,they will prove themselves great. I think Emerson is coining the idea of the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy (SFP) before Robert Merton, social psychologist identified and label the power of this concept.

Are you missing out on how to sell your services or products? Learn The Secret to Selling…

Do your sales people’s conversations enable them to stand out from the crowd – and explain to your prospects why you are distinctively different, and worthy of their consideration? If not, you should be aware that your sales people’s ability to conduct compelling conversations influences B2B buying decisions more than any of the other factors – brand, product or price – combined.

Your most natural salespeople – usually the top performers -have a particular talent for earning the trust of their prospects. They do it by sharing valuable information and by telling compelling, credible stories that make the listener respect their expertise and want to learn more. But the power of compelling conversation does not have to be restricted to the gifted few.

What if you could capture this capability and share the skills with your whole sales team? What if you could equip them to have engaging and stimulating conversations?  The good news is that the “gift of trusted conversationalist can be taught. The answer is to develop compelling stories that can be shared with potential customers and clients.  We’ve proved it time after time.  All the average sales person needs is a little help, the necessary resources – and the right attitude.

We’ll work with you to identify your most meaningful messages and capture your most compelling sales stories.  We do this through a combination of interactive workshops with your most gifted sales people (we can usually find some on every sales team) and the lessons learned from voice of the customer interviews. We’ll help you say something different, remarkable and meaningful – and enable you to stand out from the crowd. Storytelling is the new differentiator. Facts and figures, specifications and price all still matter, for certain. But it takes stories to connect with customers on an emotional level. The motivation to choose one brand over another – when the choices are endless – is triggered by emotion. More on next blog about how to connect through emotion and tips for collecting and developing your stories.

Want to make Meetings more fun and productive?–Try tapping your “flow”experience.

“Being able to enter flow is emotional intelligence at its best; flow represents perhaps the ultimate in harnessing the emotions in the service of performance and learning. In flow the emotions are not just contained and channeled, but positive, energized, and aligned with the task at hand.” Dr. Goldman, Emotional Intelligence

Participants want the meeting leader to honor their knowledge and experience. And above all answer the WIIFM  question-What Is In it for me to listen and care about about what this presenter has to say. To keep their attention and create a more satisfying experience I recommend you incorporate some of the Flow principles into your next meeting.

Next time you want to make your meetings meetings snap,crackle and pop I suggest looking at the research done by Dr. Mihály Csíkszentmihályi of the University of Chicago. According to Mihaly “Flow ” is the mental state in which a person is involved in  an activity and  is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus, full involvement, and success in the process of the activity.  The Flow process has been  widely referenced across a variety of fields from manufacturing to medicine. So my goal is to challenge you to try out the Flow principles for your next meeting.

So why might  meetings conducted using flow principles more satisfying to flow leaders and participants? Well, they get to be engaged, which is often seen as fulfilling and fun. They get to be listened too. They get to draw people out.  They get to decide what happens next. They get to think on their feet, to rise to the occasion, and to surprise themselves with their “flashes of brilliance” and competence.

Milhaly identifies the following key attributes of the flow or fun experience:

• Clear goals and feedback
• A challenging activity that requires skill and know how.
• The merging of experience, awareness and action
• Concentration on the task at hand
• The loss of self-consciousness through focus on an important goal and task
• The time passes fast

Let’s look in more depth at Csiksentmihalyi’s list, we see that yes, something very much like flow is taking place in satisfying and effective meetings.. Thinking on their feet, surprising themselves with their competence, feeling challenged, using their skills, intensely aware and actively engaged, focused, unselfconscious, and blissfully unaware of how long they’ve been interacting.

Power of Connection–Secret to Love,Worth and Meaning in Life

“In order for connections to happen we must be vulnerable and show are true selfs to others. ” Dr. Beren Brown

I recently came across an outstanding talk by Dr. Berne Brown at TED.  She talks about the power of being connected, vulnerable and whole heartiness. What make people vulnerable is what makes people beautiful and happy. To find meaning we need the  ability to empathize, belong, love.  This is humorous talk by a truly authentic person.  She shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity. Her insight about  shame and vulnerabilty answer many questions on the meaning in life and joy of life. I think here concept of how we try to avoid pain through denial and by numbing  our emotions can be a real break through. My take away is that we are all worthy of love and worth. Tweet or respond to this video by telling me your definition of vulnerability and how you handle it. Enjoy. 

Want to understand communication “Blind Spots” –Take the Presentation Style Index.

“Whatever strengthens and purifies thinking, ignites the imagination and adds knowledge  about who we are, is useful and necessary for individual growth. “ Mark W. Hardwick, Ph.D.

Presentation effectiveness is all about helping people learn how to connect and communicate with others, starting with ourselves.  Committing to self-understanding and awareness is challenging and risky.  No one else can do it for you.  There are many ways to find out more about your preferences, strengths and areas for improvement.  You can pay more attention to informal/formal feedback from others, access your core personality attributes, seek understanding through trying different life experiences and challenges and seek insight through assessment instruments like the Presentation Style Index (PSI).

Why do many of us know more about our favorite sports team or our next car, than who we are and how our communications are experienced by others? Generally, it is because we do not seek feedback.  We assume that what we have been doing brings us success so there is no need for improvement. This indicates that you might be living in denial, contentment, confusion or fear about learning how you come across to others.

Taking responsibility for our choices and being responsible for life is no small task.  This ownership begins with self-understanding.  In taking the Presentation Style Index (PSI) we encourage you to examine what you say and do.  This knowledge provides information to gauge your impact on others and then own the responsibility for changing those things needing improvement.  Many have said we develop our communication effectiveness by understanding our strengths and managing our weaknesses, so let’s get started on exploring and finding out that unique person –you, your presentation style and how it impacts others.

How to Create Satisfied and Loyal employees? SAS named #1 as BEST place to work

“SAS starts with the belief that we are in the business of people – whether that is with customers, employees or business contacts.—Jim Goodnight CEO, SAS

The management cure for low productivity is typically to push workers harder. Unfortunately, the side effects of crushed morale and decreased job satisfaction can have the opposite effect. There is another way. Build a great climate to work in. Treat people with dignity and respect. To me it is in the aligning of values and in the doing that we create and sustain satisfied employee.  A prime example, is SAS, named the #1 company to work for in the US by Fortune. As the CEO Jim Goodnight of SAS says, ” the wonder isn’t that his company is so generous, but why other presumably rational corporations are not.” Academicians confirm that SAS policies and organizational climate augment creativity, reduce distraction, and foster intense loyalty — even though SAS isn’t known for paying the highest salaries in its field and even though there are no stock options.

Rule of Alignment: Secret for Creating and Sustaining Meaning at Work and Life.

“Without the joy, we can rarely have the courage, energy, passion and enthusiasm to achieve the things that make our work and life meaningful. The secret is to get the values, beliefs, and incentives aligned with the behaviors and actions we want.”  Mark W. Hardwick, Ph.D.

The management cure for low productivity is typically to push workers harder. Unfortunately, the side effects of crushed morale and decreased job satisfaction can have the opposite effect. There is another way. Build a great climate to work in. Treat people with dignity and respect.Here’s how.

The Problem:

If it feels like you’ve been working harder but enjoying it less, there’s a good chance it’s true. According to USA Today, a MetLife study recently released shows that companies are increasing productivity demands on their employees: 40 percent of employees surveyed reported an increase in workload over the past year, while 36 percent of employers said they indeed were placing a higher priority on productivity.

That comes as no surprise when most companies have cut back to boost their bottom line in the recession.

Now, couple that with a Conference Board survey released in January that found only 45 percent of Americans are satisfied with their work. That’s the lowest job satisfaction number in the survey’s 22 years.

So companies are trying to do more with less and employees are feeling it, and not in a good way. Dis-satisfaction, low morale and anxiety are puhing us to a lower standard of living.to

I admit that it takes courage and commitment to find and continue to practice the alignment rule. Finding meaning at work and in life is a never-ending challenge for some people. There is no such thing as a permanent and lasting fulfillment or success in life. It is a journey and an adventure not a destination.  Without joy and passion it is difficult to sustain the motivation and energy to obtain the meaning you are after at work or in life. To me it is in the doing that we create and sustain a meaningful and constructive life. A prime example, is SAS, named the #1 company to work for in the US by Fortune. As the CEO of SAS says, ” the wonder isn’t that his company is so generous, but why other presumably rational corporations are not.” Academicians confirm that SAS policies and organizational climate augment creativity, reduce distraction, and foster intense loyalty — even though SAS isn’t known for paying the highest salaries in its field and even though there are no stock options.

Question for growth– As a CEO or small buiness owner what are the five things you are doing to create a meaningful and fun environment that creates loyalty and highly satisfied workers?

Purpose-Centered Performance Leadership Exercise #3: Values the bedrock of “Walk the Talk”

“Example is not the MAIN THING in influencing others. It is the only the only THING.”  

 Dr. Albert Schweitzer

Many leadership guru’s talk about the need for leaders and followers to have shared values and meaning about the vision and mission of the organization.  And yet the overwhelming view is that many espoused values are not carried out in “walking the talk of action”. Values only come alive on daily interaction and decisions. It does no good to hang mission and vision statements in the elevator or lunch room and behave differently in interacting with employees and customers.  Leaders must be congruent in what they say and do to build trust. It especially important to honor your values not just in good times but in times when you are when under pressure or stress. Values are the heart and head of an individuals identity. Values are life long concepts that drive what we think is important in life to do. Values ground our personal visions and judgments .  So the question for a would be leader: What are the values that make up your personal vision? 

Change: Are you Playing It Safe

“You’re not sent here on this earth to spend your life in drudgery…. You’re going to do a lot of that because you have to earn a living. But the main thing is [to] enjoy your life.” Ann Richards
Former governor of Texas

The “boiling frog syndrome” applies here. It is said that if one drops a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will jump out with an instinctive defense mechanism. But if you place a frog in a pot of cool water and gradually increase the temperature, the frog will sit in the water until it is boiled to death. These slow adjustments to changes are acceptable, but the same change made dramatically is not tolerated.

In the movie , Inconvenient Truth, Al Gore makes this dramatic point in the clip called Resucing the frog. Are you a frog when it comes to change?

Smart-Step Personal Change Process

“Be the Change You Want To Be.”  Gandi

On this post, I would like to talk about personal change and master coaching. We all have seen the intensity of athletic coaches. Sense it is basketball season you probably have observed how coaches do coaching in real time. They pull a player out of the game and talk to them about what happened on the floor just a few seconds ago. For example, the other night I watch a coach pull a player out of the game because the man he was guarding gave him a head and then a ball fake and was by him for an easy layup.  The coach provided immediate feedback on what the player did wrong and tips on how to play better defense by moving his feet, not standing flat-footed and reaching with his arms to try an stop the opponent. This brief coaching session last less than thirty seconds and provide an example of excellent coaching. Let’s look at the steps–the player was provided immediate feedback,  wrong behavior was identified, coach quickly demonstrate desired behavior and reinforcement was given with a pat on the fanny. By the way this was all communicated in a calm and positive manner.  The coach saw this teachable moment and took advantage of it.

Part 3: Career Survival Issues–What to I want to be?

 

From the time we were about seven years old (the age of reason) most of us are asked –what do you want to do when you grow up. Fireman, policeman, doctor, lawyer, basketball player, etc. are some of the answers I presented based on limited life experiences. How about you? What were your answers? What does it say about your dreams for meaningful work? 

Dreams die hard and life experiences open up new options and interests. Yet the planning is haphazard and many times is based on other people’s dream for you. Parents want the best for their children and sometimes try to live their lives through their offspring’s. Maybe you have lived your life trying to fulfill the expectations of others. And the questions still remain–WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE? WHAT WOULD “MEANINGFUL WORK” LOOK LIKE?