How do you want to life your life? Develop a Personal Vision

I have blogged many times about the concept of personal vision and Meaningful Constructive Living. Now a thought leader and professor of Ethics at Harvard Business School, discusses his new book and explains why it’s essential to develop ethical principles, a moral compass and commitments that you follow 100% of the time. He discusses how to make a difference in your life and how to evaluate where you are measuring up to this life purpose. For more, read his article, How Will You Measure Your Life? from Harvard Business School. Clay Christensen has for many years been talking about ethics in business, so don’t miss this insightful conversation on developing a purpose to live and be judge by.

 

Dr. Mark’s Ten Rules for Creating and delivering Transformational Presentations Using InsideOut Formula:

The greatest thing I’ve got going for me is my ability to believe in other people’s talents. I am a feedback mirror because I hear and see people doing things they can’t hear or see themselves doing. Every great communicator needs that kind of feedback or they will not be stimulated to change or grow.  Having confidence in yourself is important, but it helps to have someone who believes in you, too, whether it’s a spouse, a friend, a teacher, or even a coach. To be a great a presenter takes “Truth telling” which begins with courage and belief in yourself. So if you want to come across to your audience as authentic practice daily the actions listed in my “ten rules for presenting” they will speak volumes of who you really are and transform a speech into a transformation experience.

Dr. Mark’s Ten Rules for Creating and delivering Transformational Presentations Using InsideOut Formula:                                             

1. Be clear and concise, confident and compelling about your goals for the presentation.Don’t present anything you won’t want to sit through yourself

2. Learn that “Connecting with Others” is more about you than the audience. Do you believe in what you are presenting? Are you comfortable in presenting ideas and information to others?

3. Believe in your self—Know your strengths and use them. This will allow you the freedom to overcome nervousness and self-doubts.

4. Know nothing will bother or interfere with your performance and your ability to stay on message and in the moment.

5. Radiate and Resonate. Love what you are doing and your audience.—Be confident responsive and respectful. Your radiance is coming from the pure, utter joy of feeling alive–of being connected to your message and the audience.

6. Speak with passion–be energized and excited that you get the privilege of presenting  what you know that can help the audience members live a more fulfilling life.

7. Stay focused but flexible on audience interests, needs and engagement.

8. Be natural and authentic—Don’t try to hard to be someone you are not or say things you don’t believe.

9. Don’t worry about evaluations and results of the presentation. Stay in the moment observe, respond and focus on the process of conveying your message and connecting with the audience.

10. Seek feedback on how you are meeting expectations as you are presenting—use checkpoints

11. Close with a bang. Check for understanding. Wave the flag. Call for commitment, change and action

Extra Idea for getting ready to speak– Use “relaxation and release” tools to start in a great state of mind and energy…   be open to whatever arises.

More on the Power of Vulnerability and Shame

Dr. Brown’s last speech at TED was one of our most watched video post of 2011. Now she is back with more insight and reflection on how vulnerability can impact change and innovation in your life.

By the way her opening is a great example of modeling personal vulnerability. This opening teaches you how to use self-disclosure and vulnerability to connect with an audience.  

Part 2: How to get a handle on our Negativity Bias?

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl

The process of change begins with a moral grounding and solid reflection on who we are and what we are trying to do in making a difference in life. The ability to look in the mirror and see what we want to see must change to seeing the things in the mirror that are less obvious, like an undesired wrinkle or skin blemish.

It is this craving for meaning that I hear so loud and clear in many people . Despite all your doubts and fears be true to yourself. The searching you are doing is painful but necessary. It is a step on your path of self-discovery and a sign of growth.  It is also a great investment of positive energy. The seeker must learn to accept and live a life of authenticity. Remember–Victor Frankl’s words– “The only lost cause is the one we give up on before we enter the struggle.”

Reflection: When will the time come when we do more than just speak these words but actually implement them in action? Maybe we all need to just start with ourselves. I mean in all situations try to think first about others, be kind , respectful, tolerant, non-judgmental  and accepting of differences. These small interpersonal changes might get the ball rolling to “ the civil state” most of us want and need to live healthy and productive lives.

More from Dr. Berne Brown on Vulnerability, Shame and Connecting

Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage”. Dr. Berne Brown

The most  viewed blog post on The Wick is a TED speech by Dr. Berne Brown. She talks about the power of being connected and vulnerable through the lens of dealing with our shame. Her conclusion is that what makes people vulnerable and feel inadequate is what makes people beautiful and happy. To find meaning we need the ability to empathize, belong, love.  This is a very personal and humorous talk by a truly authentic person.  She shares a deep insight from her research, one that caused a breakdown and sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand why shame is always whispered and hidden even from our conscious self. Her insight about  shame is groundbreaking and priceless.

Now she is back with more insights and over 5 million views of her Houston TED speech. Again she opens and models her vulnerability with a funny story about what success has taught her about vulnerability. Don’t miss this thoughtful and reflective speech.

Connecting and Shame

Part 1: How Negative Perceptions and Bias triggered Zimmerman to shoot?

The real act of discovery consists not in finding new lands, but in seeing with new eyes.”  Marcel Proust

One youth dead, neighborhood watch citizen goes free. Everyone wants to know how and why did this shooting happen? One reason maybe that Zimmerman’s past experiences and his negative perceptions of black youths as thugs and therefore automatically dangerous to him and his gated community neighbors. He never learned how to balance his negative filters that colored his  experiences with black youth. What if he saw black youths in a more bright, optimistic and flexible light.  Instead he focused on the dark, pessimistic and inflexible thinking that constantly reminded  him that black youths are people who were always causing trouble and needed to be feared. 

Almost every creature comes into world more wired for negativity than positivity or optimism. Why? Fight or flight response. Say you’re wandering through the woods and you fail to notice the pretty wildflowers under your feet. Inconvenient perhaps, but not catastrophic. Now imagine that the thing under your feet is a rattlesnake. Fail to notice this, and its good night, Mark. Which is why we give the bad things in our lives so much more attention than the good ones—a phenomenon known as a negativity bias. The more you defy your innate negativity bias, building from your strengths, finding relief by looking at things from a more positive frame, and embracing delight wherever you can, the more you become stronger in controlling your own way in life. The impact of optimism  of one person living in acceptance of good things happening in life are immense. Become that person, and you’ll find that in spite of everything, when their is positivity in your life you will experience more happiness and positive interpersonal relationships.  It won’t necessarily change the reality of the situation, but the positiviness has a strong ripple effect on anyone coming in touch with you.

Most research on perception and thinking show how your memory of the past helps you determine what to pay attention to in the present but does not lock you into forever thinking that way. Checkout the 10 irrational thoughts that cause people trouble by Dr Albert Ellis. Recognizing faces or race is a simple way to distinguish friends from strangers without a thorough background check each time you encounter someone. We all use this function in perceiving our environment so we are not overwhelmed with too much information. We use this discriminating perceptual process to distinguish different types of birds or poison berries from edible ones. This is a good use of this perceptual function but we also use it as a short-cut for identification and discrimination of people and this can be a bad way to us this function depending on the situation an ensuing action.

We unconsciously make unfortunate  emotional investment in things that have happened to us in the past creating a closed, inflexible mindset that all “black youths wearing baggy pants and a hoody” spell trouble. According to Malcolm Gladwell, in his popular book Blink, many of our life decisions and especially social interactions are based on little information that are generalized to specific situations almost in an automatic way.

Almost every creature comes into world more wired for negativity than positivity or optimism. Why? Fight or flight response. Say you’re wandering through the woods and you fail to notice the pretty wildflowers under your feet. Inconvenient perhaps, but not catastrophic. Now imagine that the thing under your feet is a rattlesnake. Fail to notice this, and its good night, Mark. Which is why we give the bad things in our lives so much more attention than the good ones—a phenomenon known as a negativity bias.

The more you defy your innate negativity bias, building from your strengths, finding relief, and embracing delight wherever you can, the more you become stronger in controlling your own way in life. The impact of optimism  of one person living in acceptance of good things happening in life are immense. Become that person, and you’ll find that in spite of everything, when their is positivity in your life you will experience more happiness and positive interpersonal relationships.  It won’t necessarily change the reality of the situation, but the positiviness has a strong ripple effect on anyone coming in touch with you.

My hypothesis is that Zimmerman, the shooter, may have used irrational beliefs based on past experiences in his encounter with Travon. When he saw Travon, on that raining night, he inaccurately identify someone as a “no good black youth up to no good” the hoody reinforced his suspicion and led to a self-fulfilling prophecy that this person was dangerous and something bad was going to happen any moment. With this expectation in mind he called 911 and began to actively pursue this dangerous person, even though he was told not to follow or pursue and wait for the police to arrive. He  expected to see danger or a possible attack, just as you do when you look at every plant expecting to see poison ivy or poison mushrooms. Past experience can set your filters up to see in either a positive, optimistic or negative, pessimistic light. Automatic filters are necessary, otherwise, your life would be bogged down in the need to resolve every minute doubt, prepare for every possible situation. But Zimmerman’s maladaptive thinking may have led him to belief that Travon, a young black man, signaled trouble and possible danger to him and his neighbors. These triggers led him to make a snap judgment based on past experiences. For example, when you listen to the 911 audiotapes of  Zimmerman with police authorities you hear his negative triggers and fears at work, he said something like these type of punks usually get away with breaking-in or doing harm and it wasn’t going to happen again on his watch. If in the past he had a positive past experiences with black youths his automatic “fight response” may not have been triggered and his snap judgment and action based on fear might have been stopped. Thus, averting the terrible shooting that left one person dead and the shooters life in shambles. If he had reacted in a more positive automatic filter or perception he might have seen the situation in a different light that would have made Travon’s and his life happier and help him to see the best in a person wearing a hoody and walking down the sidewalk in his gated community in a more neutral way as an ordinary citizen to be respect and treated with dignity.

So how do you in the moment of decision stop or block the negative triggers in your mind from putting you and other people in harm’s way and advert a dangerous encounter. By challenging your negative triggers and past experience which lead to negative stereotypes, poor decision-making and inappropriate actions. It is a thinking process I call the STOP. CHALLENGE. REFLECT. ACT. LEARN. REPEAT. learning cycle that gives you time to overcome your impulses and automatic behavior. I will cover how to STOP negative bias and impulsive actions more on my next post. Thanks and I hope this post provides some ideas on why this tragedy took place in Florida. We can all do better. Just STOP and Challenge our irrational thinking before acting.

Daily Quotes and Reflection: Power of First Impressions

Quotes:

The answer is that we are not helpless in the face of our first impressions. They may bubble up from the unconscious – from behind a locked door inside of our brain – but just because something is outside of awareness doesn’t mean it’s outside of control.”
Malcolm Gladwell, Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking

 Its’  all about storytelling. It’s about creating a connection to the audience.”

Reginald Hudlin, President of Entertainment, BET

 Reflection: 

Spend more time on making a strong and lasting “first impression” on the audience. Like the old saying, you only get one chance for a great first impression. Overcoming a lack luster open to your presentation,  like a flat  or non-energized beginning, and then having to change that initial  poor image, takes lots to time and effort. Your initial first impression can make or break your presentation.

Action Assignment: You may not be making a speech today, but is helpful to practice how to make good first impressions. Today, stop and try to make a positive impression on someone you don’t know. After the interaction circle back to get some feedback–How did you come across to this person and what was their first impression of you? There is a lot to learn here because we all have “blindspots” between how we want to come across to others and their actual experience of you. 

 

Practice Makes Perfect–Myth or Reality of 10,000 hours of practice

Practice Makes Perfect —Really

Does 10,000 hours make you expert or master of a subject or performance activity, like tennis or public speaking? From my review it seems that the key is 10,000hours done in deliberative practice structure. So what exactly is deliberative practice? Most research defines it as an activity with a very well-defined end-goal, which should be difficult. The activity needs to be highly repeatable. There needs to be feedback on the quality of each repetition; so it is helpful to have a coach or friend review your performance.

Many cognitive scientist that the key to mastery comes about when a skill is moved from the short term memory of the beginner to the working long term memory of the expert. Once embedded in the working long term memory, the brain can short-cut the slow process of deliberation associated with juggling new rules stored in the short term memory. Indeed, the operation of working long term memory is like snap judgments or “gut decisions” you make on a daily basis because we have been there before and done that thing we wanted to do.

I believe that the neurological rewiring that occurs during focused attention is the driving mechanism behind the deliberative practice process for learning.  Only focused attention can trigger the brain into the process of rewiring the brain. Self-reflection over the feedback seems to be the important element needed to move a skill from short term memory to the working long-term memory. Often, after I’ve practiced a new technique in tennis, a burst of energy and satisfaction of having let my natural  Self 2 do what it does best without interferences of past experience, doubt or negativity. This is probably a consequence of some kind of rewiring. The repetition of this self-awareness in deliberative practice results in the most effective rewiring, leading ultimately to a state of mastery where the activity can be done quickly, and without effort.

http://boscoh.com/books/towards-mastery-deliberative-practice-flow-and-personality-traits

Creating Trusted Business Relationships: Be a Person for Others

Daily Quote: ”I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me… All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.” – Jackie Robinson, First African American Major League baseball player

“The friendships which last are those wherein each friend respects the other’s dignity to the point of not really wanting anything from him.”- Cyril Connolly

Reflection:

Core of Respect for others is a mindset that fosters building effective and long-term trusting relationships.  In this instance, it involves listening to and understanding the other person, noticing details about them and their situation, and then taking an active role in doing something about it. I really consider this to be a strong Quality of worklife (QWL) culture where respect + solution oriented action =friendship and loyalty. Taking action is about participating rather than observing which is essentially communicating disinterest or not caring behavior. Unique connected behavior has the benefit of the concept many are calling purpose-centered behavior which is the reward system for doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. Everything we do, say and act on has a reaction –there are no neutral moves. Because we are connected, almost as quickly as one positive happens the next is sure to follow. This concept is so important, it will change the way you think and do things indefinitely as well as everyone you come into contact with.

Call for Action: What can you to today to create trust and respect at your work place?  Use the Stop-Think-Do technique to get started in creating a more respectful climate and more trusted relationships.   

Daily Quote and Reflection–Why do Presenters fail to connect?

Daily Quote: “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw

Reflection:

1. Presenter assumes communication or message is interesting or understood by audience

2. Presenter doesn’t spend time building rapport or trying to connect with audience, so confidence and credibility are questioned

3. Material is not useful or relevant to audience needs and expectations

4. They’ve heard it all before—you don’t stimulate their curiosity

5 . No roadmap or agenda, is provided so participants—are lost, bored or  confused

6.  Presenter doesn’t take learning styles into consideration and presents too much information or just lectures without any involvement of audience members eg, too detailed and too many PPT slides.

7.  It’s too long  and attention span of participants wanes or  you go over the allotted time

8.  Close is just not compelling or powerful enough to inspire participants to action

Choosing One’s Way Meaningful Constructive Living Framework and Smart-Step Change Process

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms-to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” Victor Frankl 

Constructive Living necessitates the elimination of self-sabotaging thinking and behavior. It requires more self-directed action and the creation of a meaningful life purpose and process.

The technique used to facilitate this transformation is what I call the Smart-Step Centering process. It is all about establishing a clear and meaningful purpose, confidence through positive self-talk and skill development through realistic practice, feedback and execution plans.

Smart-Steps framework is more manageable in developing positive behavior changes then a more general or holistic approach. Smart-Steps allow the client to focus on the goal and the process instead of judging performance (based on fears, false expectations and results). For example, process goals help people to focus on being in the moment and responding in a responsive way to others and their environment. It helps people turn shyness and nervousness energy into positive enthusiasm for interacting and understanding others. Here are some essential components of the Smart-Step Process as applied to interpersonal communication.

1.  Clarify and agree to an agenda and expectations for your time together. Start interaction by asking questions and listening to the other person. Show interest and sincere concern in hearing their story.

2. Monitor and Edit yourself. Sincerely listen and try to meet the other person’s need to share and be understood by not giving advice, judging their behavior or opinions.    Show them that you have their best interest at heart.

3. Soften your “connection”.  Be friendly and welcoming. Too much, too soon and too strong usually leads to suspicion and resistance from others.

4. Accept influence. A presentation succeeds to the extent that the presenter can accept influence from the audience members. Be responsive to audience comments or concerns. Be quick on your feet and flexible to show your care.

5.  Respect and Encourage candid dialogue. Understand how to become a better listener, give positive feedback, and mirror the other person’s gestures and body language. Learned to model the good habits and positive energy you would like others to show you.

7. Focus on the optimistic “POV”. Try to connect with and understand the other person’s view of the world. Interpersonal conversations work best when you are experienced as a caring and respectful listener So make at least three-five times as many positive statements as negative comments.

Once you understand the Smart-Step process you are on the road to significant personal change.  Process goals replace personal expectations and help performers focus on what is really important during a performance – being audience centered and in the moment. Being and living in the moment is critical to developing confidence. It means learning to trust, believe in yourself and developing a sense of being vulnerable and at risk. Trust is directly related to your ability to be open and is experienced as authentic by others. Make sure you leave a good first impression and this could turn-out to be the start of a life-long friendship.

 

 

Time management isn’t our problem–but our need to manage our energy is critical for success.

Quote: To recharge themselves, individuals need to recognize the costs of energy-depleting behaviors and then take responsibility for changing them, regardless of the circumstances they’re facing.

The lack of focused time and thus stress and burnout be an epidemic, but the problem isn’t in what we say. It’s what we do and how we set priorities and use a limited amount of our precious energy. For all the people writing about the importance of the “sustainable development” of our economy, how many are there worrying about the sustainability of our own body energy ? Research reports that a disciplined and focused lifestyle effectively helps in achieving more in less time. Don’t miss this excellent article by Tony Schwartz it provides a whole new perspective on how to manage and expand that valuable resource called energy. Take the self-assessment tool provide by Mr Schwartz to see if you are heading for a personal energy crisis. Good Luck and fun with this it will provide a reading on your ability to recovery and stay healthy in our fast-paced world. http://hbr.org/2007/10/manage-your-energy-not-your-time/ar/1

Daily quote and Reflection: Communication Our Greatest Achievement or Our biggest Deficit ?

Daily Quote and Reflection: Man’s supreme achievement in the world is communication from personality to personality” Karl Jasper

Reflection: I do agree that communication is man’s greatest achievement but the problem is that most of us are not very good at it. Our technical advances in communication have been far and wide, and people still struggle with the most important form of communication–face to face conversations. Many find it difficult to do in their places of work and others find it most difficult to accomplish with those we love and live with. Maybe this situation has been with us forever but I have been increasing worried and aware of the ineffectiveness of most of our interpersonal communication. It is rare to find a friend or group of colleagues who opening and sincerely share what really matters. My belief is that this situation has evolved  because of the hectic pace we are now living, or because we are just unwilling to share our feelings or truly listen and understand others and possibly it is because we have never learned how to effectively communicate. I have never seen a class on listening and communication in our public schools but a lot of emphasis on reading, math and science.  Yet communication has been seen as one of the biggest problems for failure in marriages and the workplace.  This interpersonal communication deficit in modern times affects the all the major institutions of our life from politicians to constituents, unions to management, doctors and patients and most of all parents to children. Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship.

Action Activity: In the next 24 hours pick a communication skill like listening and reflecting feelings with someone who generally you ignore or tune out. Capture your observations and learning.  Remember the Rule of Change says” Things do not remain the same. If they don’t get better, they get worse.”  Good Luck 

Daily Quote and Reflection: Fake it until you make it–Use “smart-steps” process

Quote: “Sometimes you have to try out a “new you” to discover what’s real and authentic. We can engage in pretending not out of fear or accommodation, but out of the courage to get off automatic pilot and try out new behaviors.”

Reflection: After an education and skills training session many of my participants have reported the difficulty of executing their new skills back home or in the work place. I often tell them to be patient and gentle on themselves. What I mean is that personal change and substituting new behaviors takes hours of practicing the new behavior, soliciting feedback on how you are doing and time to replace and unlearn old behaviors. The “smart step approach is what I recommend. See the wick blog on “smart steps” 

Eliminating Asshole behavior-Learn how to Frame Conflict and feedback for change

Recently, I re- read the enjoyable and insightful book on how to spot and deal with Assholes in the workplace. I highly recommend it if you are locked into constant battles with a difficult employees. Dr. Robert Sutton’s through analysis and honest inspection of the Asshole Personality provides tips on a problem solving framework for creating a mental “frame of reference” for dealing with the  “intent” behind their behavior. It establishes a context and tools within which specific information can be shared, understood and new approaches to restoring a workable and hopefully positive climate for communicating different views of the world can be developed.

A mind set is what you say at the beginning of the feedback process that tells the other person, in one sentence, what your expectations are, what you want to accomplish, what role  you perceive the other person plays in the stalemate and what you want to take away from the process and how we can agree on a solution that works for both of us . LASTLY, HOW WE ARE GOING TO EVALUATE OUR PROGRESS TOWARD RESOLUTION AND A NEW OF OPERATING TOGETHER.

This approach frames the specific behavioral feedback along with the impact of that behavior. When done well, it diminishes defensiveness and creates greater receptivity to solve the conflict and change the situation toward a win-win solution and an improved “quality of worklife”.

Shifting contexts is the skill of flexible-responsiveness that removes obstructions to listening or understanding information. It shifts the discussion to another frame or reference in order to break a logjam in understanding and change. An example, “We seem to be stuck here. What if we were to step back and talk about what our hopes are if we could create a better work experience where the union reps like yourself and management are not locked into win-lose attacks and arguments?

When the other person seems to be focusing on the negative and seems to be resistant to what is being said, it is often their frame of reference that need to be shifted.

Power Question formats are skill sets that engage the interest, curiosity and cooperation of others. Often, by asking a powerful question, we can help someone open up to hear what is being said.

Examples: “If you were in my shoes and I had engaged in this behavior, what would you have to say about it and how would you hope that I would respond?” “What is the best way for me to help you hear some feedback that points out how you could be performing better?”

This goes hand-in-hand with the skill of  Active Listening –to take the time to show someone we have heard and understood their reality–them through eye contact, summarizing their key points and asking follow-up questions to get more depth and understanding. It models how to receive input.

Constructing confrontational/appreciation messages has been written about in a prior column. In summary it is clarifying intent (mindset) for the feedback and communicating that at the beginning of the process. Then specifying specific behavior and following up with its impact on others, work, team, process or relationship.

Next you seek to understand by asking their intent and actively listening to them. You then summarize what you heard and review the behavior and the impact once again. Finally, you collobrate in creating an action plan and commitment to ask for their help in designing a path forward.

Designing action plans is the skill of outlining clear action items for process improvement. The secret to doing this well is to ensure that all actions are behaviorally specific, measurable and have some timeline attached to them. Follow-through is the skill of making sure that you reinforce the action plans by talking about progress or lack of progress in an on-going process.

Finally, setting up feedback loops is a skill set that helps identify formats, times and processes for ensuring that on-going feedback is occurring and that results of behaviors are communicated back to others in an on-going way.

If all this fails and you are in a position of power you may be forced to just fire the person.