Quote and Reflection: “Don’t believe everything you think.”

Quote:   ”Don’t believe everything you think…  The more you can surround your negative thinking with compassion, the easier it will be to dissolve it and move on.” Meg Selig

Reflection:  Recently, I was doing research on the positive and negative effects of self-talk.  Of course, I reviewed Albert Ellis’s theory of ABC and Tim Gallwey’s  Inner Game concepts and framework.  Again I found the review stimulating but still remained confused on how to apply these techniques to everyday situations. To be spontaneous and authentic you can’t go around in life and stop to ponder how to react so as not to offend someone.  Then while reviewing Psychology Today blog I discovered Meg Selig.

(See http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/changepower/201202/manage-emotional-pains-rains)

In essence,  she provides a framework called R.A.I.N.–Basically,  the RAIN technique states that when you are in a situation where negative thinking habits are making you suffer and overwhelm your ability to think clearly consider this tool way to soften and re-channel  harmful thoughts and negative patterns.  Buddhist teachers and therapists such as Tara Brach often teach the RAIN technique to bring mindful awareness to emotional distress and provide a relaxing approach for controlling emotional pain. Supposedly, The RAIN technique can help you be your own best friend instead of your own worst critic. Here are the basic steps you can take to RAIN on your parade of negative thoughts, soothe yourself, and move on.

Activity Challenge : This week develop a routine for relaxing and keeping your negative thoughts from making it a good week.  

The Inner Critic and the Outer Game of Life–Tips on How to “Play to Win”

“Sooner or later, those who win are those who think they can.” –Richard Bach

In this blog I will provide some proven tips for overcoming the negative “inner critic” and help you begin to practice how to access your positive and natural strengths ( Self 2  a concept articulated by Tim Gallwey), to conquer performance fears and the power of the negative critic (Self1)  in your mind.

I think that many issues and problem we experience can be traced back to the internal conversations and stories we tell ourselves about our self, other people and situations. If we are unaware of these internal dialogues or let them override our common sense we can make big errors in judgment. This “inner critic” can interfere with our ability to make decisions, take risk and perform below our potential. Some of the external behavior may lead to bad first impressions, lack of confidence, unhappiness, fears, such as heights, flying or public speaking and other unfortunate outcomes.

Instead of focusing on the behavior you want to change, focus on the irrational messages the “inner critic” is telling and selling to you. Poor thinking leads to negative messages and become an obstacle to a strong sense of self and impact performing in a natural, authentic and confident manner. To STOP the negative alien or critic from talking and under-minding behavior you must find ways to change irrational thoughts into positive thoughts.

Let me suggest five techniques to take control of the destructive and upsetting inner conversations with your self critic:

1. Practice mindful awareness. It doesn’t matter where the inner critic’s material is coming from because it could be achored in comments and experiences from teachers, parents, a coach or an abusive spouse or  other traumatic experience; the reasons and sources of criticism don’t matter you just increasing your awareness that these conversations are happening provides power over the critical thoughts.
2. Evaluate whether the message has any validity or truth’ Is it enabling you to accomplish the outcomes you want or is it preventing you from doing so. Be honest. (Sometimes, people are addicted to their problems and the stories that create them.)
3. Keep a self-journal. Write down word for word the internal dialogue with the critic. It might be something like the following:

• “You’re no good at X, Y or Z,,.”
• “You’re too uncoordinated to play sports..”
• “You’re stupid and not very smart when it comes to math.”
• “You’re to an over-educated bleeding heart liberal.”
• “You take things to seriously.”
• “You have no sense of humor
• “ You are not a good writer

4. Brainstorm solutions and new messages for changing the dialogue.

• Create powerful affirmations and clear messages to block the “inner critic”.
• Write solutions down on a 3 x 5 card that provide evidence for overcoming irrational messages or stories presented by the inner critic. I’m not talking about a bunch of positive puff statements I am suggesting telling the truth to yourself and the critic. Often, this is simply a matter of shifting your perspective and providing evidence that is opposite to the negative critic’s story or message..

5 Start telling yourself new messages, believing in focused attention and turning down or off the inner critic. Every time your inner critic begins to tell you that you are loser, stop him. Say, “No! That’s BS. Here’s the truth.” Then repeat your new message or affirmation. For example, At a critical moment in a tennis match the inner critic says you always miss the important points or you are a choker when the match hinges on your ability to serve out a match to win. You say STOP. Take a deep breath and remember times when you have overcome steep hills to win. You visualize winning the point and turn it over to your fluid and natural Self 2. You play every point going down to the wire with focus on the “here and now” moment and remind yourself of comebacks in the past. You say to the inner critic I am not a loser and I don’t quit. I just need to focus on the next shot and do the best I can.!

Want to be an Exceptional Presenter: Discover Your Self 2 and Fire your Inner Critic

“Secret 2 Meaningful Constructive Living is 2 apply the ACT principles of Awareness, Choice and Trust of natural strengths.” MWH

Recently, I started to re-read the Inner Tennis book by Tim Gallwey then I came across  a great article on a site called SelfMatters.org. The site and its programs are run by two inspiring women, Jane Shure, PhD. and Beth Weinstock, PhD.

Dr. Shure and Weinstock believe that we can learn how to “turn down” the voice of what they call our “inner critic,” and learn to “turn up” our positive and natural voice of  “inner coach.” Gallwey’s point of view was that people are vulnerable to negative shifts in mindset which can have drastic impact on one’s performance in many different situations that require focused attention.

Both Gallwey and Shure/ Weinstock are talking about the powerful unconscious and how the brain builds in patterns that are repeated through the process of self-talk. Self-talk is the inner dialogue between parts of our mind, and is influenced by these neural pathways from past behavior in similar situations.

Meaningful and Focsued Living: Four Principles of Change and Success

“The country needs and unless I mistake its temper the country demands bold persistent experimentation. It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails– frankly admit it  and try another. Above all try something.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

We all admire leaders who espouse and act on their beliefs and values. It is known that successful people, push themselves to grow and develop through experimentation, feedback, reflection and new actions.  They are open to constructive feedback, seek new experiences, and allow ambiguity, surprise and spontaneity, into their  choices for finding meaning and purpose in life. In uncertain situations or new situations they find ways to learn.  We call these people action leaders. Their life is one of searching and being life-long learners. They reflect on past actions and fully embrace the experience in front of them to form am implicit and espoused theory of how to live their lives. Critical to this action orientated life is to carry out experiments which serve to generate both a new understanding of and a change in the situation…. The experimenter frames a problematic situation by finding the best means to accomplish desired outcomes. They do not separate thinking from doing… Because his experimenting is a theory-in-action and reflection-on-action, change is built into their trying to find the best solutions to problems. (Chris Arygris Dave Schön 1983: 69)

• We attribute all sorts of characteristics to them: they were born with the genes–they are intelligent both emotionally and IQ wise, they had the support of their families in their endeavours, they went to all the right schools and met all the right people.  Lots of people can say the same things about themselves. We all know of someone who has the IQ of a genius, went to Harvard but has stumbled in finding a fulfilling career or family life. Or a person with all the right connections, but lives off his friends and family. What then, are the factors that decide if a person is going to be a success or a sleep at the wheel, or destined to live an average live?

1. Plenty of studies have been done on successful people, and plenty more have tried to analyze their lives, trying to figure out what makes these certain individuals stand out from the rest. It seems that what makes them different is not merely what they have, but what they are.

2. They take seriously the testing of the their espoused theories and theory in action –  they say, “not all changes are good, but they are what they are and my job is to learn the lessons that experience  and reality present.”  Nothing will change if you just wait for it to happen they must take action to create a meaningful life.  Successful people believe that an action taken, know matter how it turns out, is better than not making a decision, or hoping things will change or get better. As Franklin Roosevelt once said, “But above all, try something.”

3. They do things even if they don’t feel like it – everybody has to do something they don’t want to do at some point. For students, it might be reviewing for a subject that they may not feel is their strongest suit. For a salesman, it might be calling a difficult but potentially rewarding prospect. Whatever is is, these extraordinary people grit their teeth and do it no matter what there feelings are about the task. .

4. They do one thing at a time only – focusing their energies on one thing only makes accomplishing the task much easier. No internal confusion within the person is created and the results of such an effort is oftentimes much better. They use the Smart-Step to Change the “plus one technique.”

As you can see, the actions of fulfilled and successful people have are those that are available to anyone, of any age, of any social status. All that is needed is a framework and structure based on Meaningful Living — way of life takes clarity of purpose, optimism, courage, discipline and constructive action. And lastly, a conviction and desire to play the game of life “to win” by being the best possible person one can be.

Meaningful Constructive Living Manifesto –A Gameplan for living on purpose

“A winner’s philosophy and perspective are  ground in openness, trust and a belief in dignity and worth of himself and others. He honors his own uniqueness, strengths and limitations. Realizing each of us can make a contribution and difference in our own way and own right.”

Mark W. Hardwick,Ph.D

Overview of Meaningful Constructive Living- (MCL) -Manifesto  Statement

The purpose of MCL is to facilitate the growth and development of individuals as emotional, intellectual and spiritual whole beings and self-sufficient humans. The person becomes whole by being aware of  and able to confront irrational thoughts, feelings and fragmented pieces of their identity. Through self-reflection and experiential learning they discover the strengths, abilities and potential are already contained within themselves. When we begin to renew the power of listening  by accepting and trying to understand others, doorways open to more Constructive Living and powerful ways to start changing our world views and connections for exploring human goodness. Through CL I hope to see a renewal of trust in people’s differences and a desire for more learning, freedom and meaning in life.

Handling Resistance to Change–Don’t Play Yes,but game

“In times of profound change, the learners inherit the earth, while the learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that no longer exists.” Eric Hoffer

We have all experienced the interaction with a friend who is asking for help, but every suggestion is greet with–Yes that’s a good idea, but… and now come the reasons and excuses why your idea stinks. The way through this game is to stop playing it or confronting your friend by asking: How is the way your operating now working for you? A variation would be to ask on a one-ten how is this approach working or helping you reach your goals.

Another approach is to respond not with a common sense solution but an unexpected and uncommon response–like you need to go slow or I don’t think this is a good time to be contemplating a job change. This approach is called utilizing resistance  to change by reframing.  As nonsensical as it may sound to you, many people ask for advice not for the purpose of resolving a problem and changing themselves or the situation. They want some other payoff. Focusing on the content of the problem and why they would do this is a trap for the advice giver because it leads into an endless cycle of what Eric Berne, in his extraordinary book on interpersonal communication Games People Play, called “Why don’t you–yes but game.  What the person is doing is doing to solve the problem is not working and yet they want validation that nothing can be done to solve their problem because they are facing an unsolvable situation. They are seeking other payoffs than really solving the problem, for example an ongoing emotional  relationship with you feeling sorrow for them.

Generally, when someone ask for help or advice this leads to a common sense response from most of us. We try to help. Yet upon offering to help we get trap in an unending resistance and many reasons why our advice won’t work. This then leads to more advice giving and more demands for “better” help and so on. What the problem solver doesn’t understand is that their is an emotional payoff for playing this game.  So the only way through the game is to stop giving him common sense advice. One straight forward response is to just listen and give no advice. Another is to reframe the interaction by challenging them to not change or asking them the simple question–Why should you change? For the help seeker and Yes, but game player they are not prepared for this shift because they assumed you agreed to the premise that they must change their awful situation. You now have changed the game and thus the interaction.

So in next week when someone is playing the Yes, but game see if you can leave the expected frame of reason and common sense of trying to help by using the other person’s resistance to change against them. This will eliminate the payoffs, reduce frustration and hopefully save the relationship. Good Luck and let us hear your stories for improving motivation for change.