Dr. Brown’s last speech at TED was one of our most watched video post of 2011. Now she is back with more insight and reflection on how vulnerability can impact change and innovation in your life.
By the way her opening is a great example of modeling personal vulnerability. This opening teaches you how to use self-disclosure and vulnerability to connect with an audience.
When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves. ~Victor Frankl
The process of change begins with a moral grounding and solid reflection on who we are and what we are trying to do in making a difference in life. The ability to look in the mirror and see what we want to see must change to seeing the things in the mirror that are less obvious, like an undesired wrinkle or skin blemish.
It is this craving for meaning that I hear so loud and clear in many people . Despite all your doubts and fears be true to yourself. The searching you are doing is painful but necessary. It is a step on your path of self-discovery and a sign of growth. It is also a great investment of positive energy. The seeker must learn to accept and live a life of authenticity. Remember–Victor Frankl’s words– “The only lost cause is the one we give up on before we enter the struggle.”
Reflection: When will the time come when we do more than just speak these words but actually implement them in action? Maybe we all need to just start with ourselves. I mean in all situations try to think first about others, be kind , respectful, tolerant, non-judgmental and accepting of differences. These small interpersonal changes might get the ball rolling to “ the civil state” most of us want and need to live healthy and productive lives.
Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage”. Dr. Berne Brown
The most
viewed blog post on
The Wick is a TED speech by Dr. Berne Brown. She talks about the power of being connected and vulnerable through the lens of dealing with our shame. Her conclusion is that what makes people vulnerable and feel inadequate is what makes people beautiful and happy. To find meaning we need the ability to empathize, belong, love. This is a very personal and humorous talk by a truly authentic person. She shares a deep insight from her research, one that caused a breakdown and sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand why shame is always whispered and hidden even from our conscious self. Her insight about shame is groundbreaking and priceless.
Now she is back with more insights and over 5 million views of her Houston TED speech. Again she opens and models her vulnerability with a funny story about what success has taught her about vulnerability. Don’t miss this thoughtful and reflective speech.
” Concentration and mental toughness provide confidence and are the difference between a boring presentation and a WOW experience for the audience.” MW Hardwick, Presentation Coach
Design with Purpose and Deliver with Confidence.
What matters to you is shown by your passion. Your passion will draw others to your cause. Emotional words and message are more important in hooking people and generating a contagion. Meaningful purpose gathers extraordinary support. The right idea—framed in emotion—grows exponentially through social media and word of mouth advocacy. Checkout how, The Dragonfly Effect, encouraged a social media project 100k Cheeks, to raise awareness and increase the number of people enrolled in the International Bone Marrow Registry.
If you isolate one thing about high achievers that has put them at the pinnacle of success above anything and everything else, it is the ability to communicate and connect with confidence and openness to audience members. I call this constellation of factors the mental toughness factor.
Call it mental toughness, confidence, courage–it is the profound ability to stay
in connected and overcome obstacles in the face of taking risks, challenges, loss, and adversity.
This new knowledge will empower you to perform at the top of your game because relevant information + knowledge = confidence and power, because 90% of success as a presenter is belief in yourself and mental toughness.
That’s why you owe it to yourself to take the next step to build your confidence and character as a public speaker. Try out these techniques and I assure you that your next speech will not be boring.
Daily quote and Reflection
Quote: What is the most amazing thing?
That we live as if we are going to live forever.- Hindu Proverb.
Daily Journaling and Reflection—Untapped source of energy. There is real power in the simple act of journaling. Stopping, Observing, Reflecting and Doing (writing). It creates a positive cycle of mindfulness and relaxation, which leads to more noticing of your own happiness, obstacles and progress toward fulfillment. The more we practice journaling, the stronger the habit becomes. This is my journal entry today on my birthday—
Power question–Which is more certain, today my birthday or tomorrow my death?
Birthday Poem: Life or death- by MW Hardwick
If today my birthday is special, how should I live this day?
The answer, for me, is to celebrate my birthday
Live in the here and now and
Enjoy every breath
Then take this day — my starting point 68 years ago
And live today and everyday as my last.
Be in good cheer, see the bright side of all challenges
Accept my friends and loved ones today.
Live with a clear purpose of having fun today. My special day.
Put aside all the expectations
And just experience what comes today.
Ignore my duties for today.
Cultivate myself today. Be care free.
Live mindfully today.
Be at peace today.
Be happy today.
Be patient.
And accept what comes.
If I live this way today, I live in fulfillment and peace of mind.
If I die today, I die fulfilled with gratitude in my heart.
And in peace. And in peace…peace…
Daily Quote: ”I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me… All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.” – Jackie Robinson, First African American Major League baseball player
“The friendships which last are those wherein each friend respects the other’s dignity to the point of not really wanting anything from him.”- Cyril Connolly
Reflection:
Core of Respect for others is a mindset that fosters building effective and long-term trusting relationships. In this instance, it involves listening to and understanding the other person, noticing details about them and their situation, and then taking an active role in doing something about it. I really consider this to be a strong Quality of worklife (QWL) culture where respect + solution oriented action =friendship and loyalty. Taking action is about participating rather than observing which is essentially communicating disinterest or not caring behavior. Unique connected behavior has the benefit of the concept many are calling purpose-centered behavior which is the reward system for doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do. Everything we do, say and act on has a reaction –there are no neutral moves. Because we are connected, almost as quickly as one positive happens the next is sure to follow. This concept is so important, it will change the way you think and do things indefinitely as well as everyone you come into contact with.
Call for Action: What can you to today to create trust and respect at your work place? Use the Stop-Think-Do technique to get started in creating a more respectful climate and more trusted relationships.
Quote: To recharge themselves, individuals need to recognize the costs of energy-depleting behaviors and then take responsibility for changing them, regardless of the circumstances they’re facing.
The lack of focused time and thus stress and burnout be an epidemic, but the problem isn’t in what we say. It’s what we do and how we set priorities and use a limited amount of our precious energy. For all the people writing about the importance of the “sustainable development” of our economy, how many are there worrying about the sustainability of our own body energy ? Research reports that a disciplined and focused lifestyle effectively helps in achieving more in less time. Don’t miss this excellent article by Tony Schwartz it provides a whole new perspective on how to manage and expand that valuable resource called energy. Take the self-assessment tool provide by Mr Schwartz to see if you are heading for a personal energy crisis. Good Luck and fun with this it will provide a reading on your ability to recovery and stay healthy in our fast-paced world. http://hbr.org/2007/10/manage-your-energy-not-your-time/ar/1
Quote: ”You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.” Dale Carnegie
Reflection : Genuinely caring for and recognizing the accomplishments of others helps to create unique connections and builds trusting relationships. This approach reduces competition with others and creates a more positive and collaborative climate to accomplish goals and increase work place satisfaction. Confidence is required to command respect, but authenticity and genuineness are the glue for building long-term relationships.
Action Challenge: In the next thirty days create a relationship development plan consisting of five key people in your life and commit to building a “trusted partnership”. One suggestion is to show more positivity toward them by doing specific activities that focus on recognizing and supporting their effort to accomplish their goals.
Quote: ” Before you even think about assessing people for a job, they have to pass through three screens. The first test is for integrity. People with integrity tell the truth, and they keep their word. The second test is for intelligence. The candidate has a strong dose of intellectual curiosity, with a breadth of knowledge to work with or lead other smart people in today’s complex world. The third ticket to the game is maturity—the ability to handle stress and setbacks, and enjoy success with equal parts of joy and humility. I then apply the “4-E (And 1-P) Framework” for hiring that I’ve found consistently effective, year after year, across businesses and borders. The first E is positive energy. It means the ability to go go go—to thrive on action and relish change. The second E is the ability to energize others, and inspire them to take on the impossible. The third is edge, the courage to make tough yes-or-no decisions. The fourth E is execute—the ability to get the job done. Then I look for that final P, passion—a heartfelt, deep and authentic excitement about work”. Jacek Welch, Former CEO of General Electric
Reflection: I think Jack had a unique framework for finding talent or A players as he called them. The only dimension missing in his first three screens was to measure for Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Emotional Intelligence, is defined as, “the subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions”. Recent studies on leadership and recruiting talent see EI as critical for predicting job success. Freedman et al.: “Emotional Intelligence is a way of recognizing, understanding, and choosing how we think, feel, and act. It shapes our interactions with others and our understanding of ourselves. It defines how and what we learn; it allows us to set priorities; it determines the majority of our daily actions. Research suggests it is responsible for as much as 80% of the “success” in our lives.”
–From Handle With Care: Emotional Intelligence Activity Book
Welch’s 4 E’s + P are more specific and powerful because they hone-in on key behaviors that company HR people ar looking for. His 4E’s are helpful for people interviewing when you combine them with my PAR concept for preparing for a job interview.
Action Activity: I f you are preparing for a job interview develop some examples that would help you answer Welch’s criteria and create real world answers for the PAR questions. If you do this preparation you fwwl more confident in the interview and impress the interviwer with your EQ and Communication skills. Good Luck
Daily Quote and Reflection: Man’s supreme achievement in the world is communication from personality to personality” Karl Jasper
Reflection: I do agree that communication is man’s greatest achievement but the problem is that most of us are not very good at it. Our technical advances in communication have been far and wide, and people still struggle with the most important form of communication–face to face conversations. Many find it difficult to do in their places of work and others find it most difficult to accomplish with those we love and live with. Maybe this situation has been with us forever but I have been increasing worried and aware of the ineffectiveness of most of our interpersonal communication. It is rare to find a friend or group of colleagues who opening and sincerely share what really matters. My belief is that this situation has evolved because of the hectic pace we are now living, or because we are just unwilling to share our feelings or truly listen and understand others and possibly it is because we have never learned how to effectively communicate. I have never seen a class on listening and communication in our public schools but a lot of emphasis on reading, math and science. Yet communication has been seen as one of the biggest problems for failure in marriages and the workplace. This interpersonal communication deficit in modern times affects the all the major institutions of our life from politicians to constituents, unions to management, doctors and patients and most of all parents to children. Communication is the lifeblood of every relationship.
Action Activity: In the next 24 hours pick a communication skill like listening and reflecting feelings with someone who generally you ignore or tune out. Capture your observations and learning. Remember the Rule of Change says” Things do not remain the same. If they don’t get better, they get worse.” Good Luck
Recently, I re- read the enjoyable and insightful book on how to spot and deal with Assholes in the workplace. I highly recommend it if you are locked into constant battles with a difficult employees. Dr. Robert Sutton’s through analysis and honest inspection of the Asshole Personality provides tips on a problem solving framework for creating a mental “frame of reference” for dealing with the “intent” behind their behavior. It establishes a context and tools within which specific information can be shared, understood and new approaches to restoring a workable and hopefully positive climate for communicating different views of the world can be developed.
A mind set is what you say at the beginning of the feedback process that tells the other person, in one sentence, what your expectations are, what you want to accomplish, what role you perceive the other person plays in the stalemate and what you want to take away from the process and how we can agree on a solution that works for both of us . LASTLY, HOW WE ARE GOING TO EVALUATE OUR PROGRESS TOWARD RESOLUTION AND A NEW OF OPERATING TOGETHER.
This approach frames the specific behavioral feedback along with the impact of that behavior. When done well, it diminishes defensiveness and creates greater receptivity to solve the conflict and change the situation toward a win-win solution and an improved “quality of worklife”.
Shifting contexts is the skill of flexible-responsiveness that removes obstructions to listening or understanding information. It shifts the discussion to another frame or reference in order to break a logjam in understanding and change. An example, “We seem to be stuck here. What if we were to step back and talk about what our hopes are if we could create a better work experience where the union reps like yourself and management are not locked into win-lose attacks and arguments?
When the other person seems to be focusing on the negative and seems to be resistant to what is being said, it is often their frame of reference that need to be shifted.
Power Question formats are skill sets that engage the interest, curiosity and cooperation of others. Often, by asking a powerful question, we can help someone open up to hear what is being said.
Examples: “If you were in my shoes and I had engaged in this behavior, what would you have to say about it and how would you hope that I would respond?” “What is the best way for me to help you hear some feedback that points out how you could be performing better?”
This goes hand-in-hand with the skill of Active Listening –to take the time to show someone we have heard and understood their reality–them through eye contact, summarizing their key points and asking follow-up questions to get more depth and understanding. It models how to receive input.
Constructing confrontational/appreciation messages has been written about in a prior column. In summary it is clarifying intent (mindset) for the feedback and communicating that at the beginning of the process. Then specifying specific behavior and following up with its impact on others, work, team, process or relationship.
Next you seek to understand by asking their intent and actively listening to them. You then summarize what you heard and review the behavior and the impact once again. Finally, you collobrate in creating an action plan and commitment to ask for their help in designing a path forward.
Designing action plans is the skill of outlining clear action items for process improvement. The secret to doing this well is to ensure that all actions are behaviorally specific, measurable and have some timeline attached to them. Follow-through is the skill of making sure that you reinforce the action plans by talking about progress or lack of progress in an on-going process.
Finally, setting up feedback loops is a skill set that helps identify formats, times and processes for ensuring that on-going feedback is occurring and that results of behaviors are communicated back to others in an on-going way.
If all this fails and you are in a position of power you may be forced to just fire the person.
On August 22nd, 2o11 I blogged about the critical importance of building rapport with the audience in order to connect and keep their attention and focus. I used a the following quote to open the blog “…the language of conversation is primarily a language of rapport: a way of establishing connections and negotiating relationships”. – Deborah Tannen. Ph.D.
Now I have to revise and extent my remarks and viewpoint because of new information from the field of cognitive psychology. Recent studies by cognitive psychologists report that the key to keep a persons attention is only 8 seconds not 60 as reported in the past research. In researching the idea I discovered that the length of time the average human can concentrate on something and not lose focus is as little as 8 seconds. OMG just Eight seconds! Sixity seconds, then, was way too long for getting attention for your presentation. You know how you hear something in a conversation and you lean in because you want to hear the rest of it? That’s what you want from your audience in the first 8 seconds of your speech.
If you accomplish that in those 8 seconds, they’ll give you the next 5 minuets to drive your message home with no bull. It’s not establishing your credentials or reviewing the agenda. It’s about what’s in it for the audience members to go listening to your message.
Connecting with the audience is one of the most challenging elements of creating a climate for an interaction and engagement :
Quote: ” Here are a few of the physical problems that may be associated with an
unforgiving mind. Headaches, backache, pains in the neck, stomach aches
and ulcer-like symptoms, depression, lack of energy, anxiety, irritability,
tenseness and being “on edge”, insomnia, restlessness, free-floating fear and
unhappiness.
The key to forgiving is to have the willingness to forgive and to see the value
and benefits of forgiving and to see the detriments that occur when we do not forgive.” Jerry Jampolsky, M.D. and Diane Cirincione, Ph.D.
Reflection: Forgiving is difficult because of our pride and embarrassment of our action or others. I admire the people who can forgive and move on with a constructive approach to living a full and productive future. For example, you often read of a horrific murder of someone for no apparent reason. The pain of loss is incomprehensible yet some families have the ability and humanity to forgive. When we don’t forgive we only hurt ourselves.
Action Challenge: During the next 30 days of the New Year identify some past hurts and see if you can find a way to forgive the other person.
The Fall of Freddie the Leaf: A Story of Life for All Ages,
by Leo Buscalgia, Ph.D
Spring had passed. So had Summer. Freddie, the leaf, had grown large. His mid section was wide and strong, and his five extensions were firm and pointed. He had first appeared in Spring as a small sprout on a rather large branch near the top of a tall tree.
Freddie was surrounded by hundreds of other leaves just like himself, or so it seemed. Soon he discovered that no two leaves were alike, even though they were on the same tree. Alfred was the leaf next to him. Ben was the leaf on his right side, and Clare was the lovely leaf overhead. They had all grown up together. They had learned to dance in the Spring breezes, bask lazily in the Summer sun and wash off in the cooling rains.
But it was Daniel who was Freddie’s best friend. He was the largest leaf on the limb and seemed to have been there before anyone else. It appeared to Freddie that Daniel was also the wisest among them. It was Daniel who told them that they were part of a tree. It was Daniel who explained that they were growing in a public park. It was Daniel who told them that the tree had strong roots which were hidden in the ground below. He explained about the birds who came to sit on their branch and sing morning songs. He explained about the sun, the moon, the stars, and the seasons.
Freddie loved being a leaf. He loved his branch, his light leafy friends, his place high in the sky, the wind that jostled him about, the sun rays that warmed him, the moon that covered him with soft, white shadows. Summer had been especially nice. The long hot days felt good and the warm nights were peaceful and dreamy. There were many people in the park that Summer. They often came and sat under Freddie’s tree. Daniel told him that giving shade was part of his purpose.
“What’s a purpose?” Freddie had asked.
“A reason for being,” Daniel had answered. “To make things more pleasant for others is a reason for being. To make shade for old people who come to escape the heat of their homes is a reason for being. To provide a cool place for children to come and play. To fan with our leaves the picnickers who come to eat on checkered tablecloths. These are all the reasons for being.”
Freddie especially liked the old people. They sat so quietly on the cool grass and hardly ever moved. They talked in whispers of times past. The children were fun, too, even though they sometimes tore holes in the bark of the tree or carved their names into it. Still, it was fun to watch them move so fast and to laugh so much.
But Freddie’s Summer soon passed. It vanished on an October night. He had never felt it so cold. All the leaves shivered with the cold. They were coated with a thin layer of white which quickly melted and left them dew drenched and sparkling in the morning sun. Again, it was Daniel who explained that they had experienced their first frost, the sign that it was Fall and that Winter would come soon.
Almost at once, the whole tree, in fact, the whole park was transformed into a blaze of color. There was hardly a green leaf left. Alfred had turned a deep yellow. Ben had become a bright orange. Clare had become a blazing red, Daniel a deep purple and Freddie was red and gold and blue. How beautiful they all looked. Freddie and his friends had made their tree a rainbow.
“Why did we turn different colors,” Freddie asked, “when we are on the same tree?”
“Each of us is different. We have had different experiences. We have faced the sun differently. We have cast shade differently. Why should we not have different colors?” Daniel said matter-of-factly. Daniel told Freddie that this wonderful season was called Fall.
One day a very strange thing happened. The same breezes that, in the past, had made them dance began to push and pull at their stems, almost as if they were angry. This caused some of the leaves to be torn from their branches and swept up in the wind, tossed about and dropped softly to the ground. All the leaves became frightened.
“What’s happening?” they asked each other in whispers.
“It’s what happens in Fall,” Daniel told them. “It’s the time for leaves to change their home. Some people call it to die.”
“Will we all die?” Freddie asked.
“Yes,” Daniel answered. “Everything dies. No matter how big or small, how weak or strong. We first do our job. We experience the sun and the moon, the wind and the rain. We learn to dance and to laugh. Then we die.”
“I won’t die!” said Freddie with determination. “Will you, Daniel?”
“Yes,” answered Daniel, “when it’s my time.”
“When is that?” asked Freddie.
“No one knows for sure,” Daniel responded.
Freddie noticed that the other leaves continued to fall. He thought, “It must be their time.” He saw that some of the leaves lashed back at the wind before they fell, others simply let go and dropped quietly. Soon the tree was almost bare.
“I’m afraid to die,” Freddie told Daniel. “I don’t know what’s down there.”
“We all fear what we don’t know, Freddie. It’s natural,” Daniel reassured him. “Yet, you were not afraid when Summer became Fall. They were natural changes. Why should you be afraid of the season of death?”
“Does the tree die, too?” Freddie asked.
“Someday. But there is something stronger than the tree. It is Life. That lasts forever and we are all a part of Life.”
“Where will we go when we die?”
“No one knows for sure. That’s the great mystery!”
“Will we return in the Spring?”
“We may not, but Life will.”
“Then what has been the reason for all of this?” Freddie continued to question. “Why were we here at all if we only have to fall and die?”
Daniel answered in his matter-of-fact way, “It’s been about the sun and the moon. It’s been about happy times together. It’s been about the shade and the old people and the children. It’s been about colors in Fall. It’s been about seasons. Isn’t that enough?”
“That afternoon, in the golden light of dusk, Daniel let go. He fell effortlessly. He seemed to smile peacefully as he fell. “Goodbye for now, Freddie,” he said.
Then, Freddie was all alone, the only leaf on his branch. The first snow fell the following morning. It was soft, white, and gentle; but it was bitter cold. There was hardly any sun that day, and the day was very short. Freddie found himself losing his color, becoming brittle. It was constantly cold and the snow weighed heavily upon him.
At dawn the wind came that took Freddie from his branch. It didn’t hurt at all. He felt himself float quietly, gently and softly downward. As he fell, he saw the whole tree for the first time. How strong and firm it was! He was sure that it would live for a long time and he knew that he had been part of its life and made him proud.
Freddie landed on a clump of snow. It somehow felt soft and even warm. In this new position he was more comfortable than he had ever been. He closed his eyes and fell asleep. He did not know that Spring would follow Winter and that the snow would melt into water. He did not know that what appeared to be his useless dried self would join with the water and serve to make the tree stronger. Most of all, he did not know that there, asleep in the tree and the ground, were already plans for new leaves in the Spring.
Reflection: What a wonderful way to provide a creative description of living, dying and the meaning of life. Thank You Dr. Leo for putting everything in perspective.
