Caring and Responsibility Check: Case of Maj. Nidal Malik– Leadership Failure at Walter Reed Army Hospital

” In caring I commit myself to the other; I hold myself out as someone who can be depended on. If there is an acute break in this relation because of my indifference, irresponsibility or neglect of my duties, I feel guilty, as if the other were to say,”Where were you when I needed you,why did you let me down?”  Milton Mayeroff, author of book entitled On Caring, 1971.

The disaster at Fort Hood again shows the inability for some people to see a problem, confront it and take responsibility for constructive action. Envision for a moment you and your colleagues sitting around the conference table at Walter Reed Army hospital discussing and reviewing an employee who has been demonstrating bizarre behavioral problems. Someone brings up the point that the Dr. X, who is in training to be psychiatrist, is unable to communicate and connect effectively with patients who are suffering from anxiety and PTSD. Another colleague brings up the fact that Dr. X is a practicing Muslim who has been sharing his anti-war and extreme Islamic views during a recent Grand Rounds presentation. Somebody else speculates on his mental stability and his ability to be in touch with reality (psychosis). It is a tragic observation and apparent that nobody in the room wants to deal with these inconvertible truths of instability, acting out and irrational thinking of Dr. X. The question becomes what are we going to do with him? 

True Friendship-Authentic Caring Factor

“One of the most delightful–and volatile–aspects of friendship is the voluntary nature of it all. Whether it’s a cup of coffee, a lavish gift, or an offer to stay by your sickbed, favors from friends are intentional acts of generosity…Our friends turn toward our bids for connection simply because they want to, and that’s what makes those relationships so rewarding.”  John Gottman, The Relationship Cure 

 What is true friendship? Can we really feel better by helping rather than receiving? Is it too late for you to change your approach to friendship. These are powerful questions and as usual I like to start by challenging our thinking even if it is a Monday morning.  

Reflection #12: Our 43th Wedding Anniversary– A Priceless Connection and Lessons Learned

“Being connected and personal is to be in the process of discovering and accepting each other…trust begets trust; fear escalates fear.”    Jack Gibb . author of Trust: A New View of Personal and Organizational Development  

Birthday, anniversary, new year all are  stopping points for me. I take the time  to stop and reflect and celebrate.  Helen and I are celebrating our 43rd wedding anniversary. WOW!!! What a great day. I found a special person to live my life with. We are best friends and partners. Each of us are fallible human beings with our own strengths and weaknesses. The luck side of this is the way we compliment each other and learn from one another.  This is a journey together through good and bad times. What lessons have I learned in this special relationship called marriage?

Reflection # 10 : In Tough Times We all Need Someone

Obama’s “Yes We Can” Leadership– Defines Empathy through his Selection for the bench.

“When a good man is hurt all who would be called good must suffer with him.” - Euripides

Ashby Jones, of the WSJ Law Blog  and others such as Lawrence Hurley of the Los Angeles Daily Journal. Even the  Slate and the Washington Post, and the ED show on MSNBC are weighing in on what Asby calls the “Emotion of the Day”–Empathy. In this blog I will try and shine some light on this subject. Since, I am a Social Scientist, I will take a different approach then these other writers and talking heads.   

Getting Unstuck: Trust Your Gut

“To grow, we must travel in the direction of our fears.”                                                        

John Berryman   

Unless you are suffering from clinical depression feeling “stuck” in life is not unusual. We have all been there. Sometimes we grit our teeth and just do what we have to do. Other times we fake it till we make it through. Other times we convince ourselves that this to shall pass.

I think that we all, sometime or another, wind up feeling stuck in our life. Feeling stuck is when you are not quite sure of your purpose or where you are going. You are caught in doing and efforting. It can be when you have been disappointed; you know you are confused and don’t know where to turn. There is a sense you need to make a change but you are fearful. Fearful of risk? Fearful of failure? Fearful of leaving the status and traps of the present job?  You have no idea what you need to do. Or it can be that place where you know what you want to do and are afraid that your ideas might offend or upset others. Sometimes you know the changes you want to make, you know what you need to do and who you want to be, but you get stuck because you are overwhelmed by the prospect of change or are afraid of the risks or just can’t let go of your old patterns and security.

Trust yourself be confident and face your fears–by asking If I mess this thing up-What is the worst thing that can happen? Sometimes it is hard to know if the source of our fear is a false belief, lack of confidence, a pattern of negative thinking, or common sense. Listen to your gut and then you will know which it is.

Sometimes fear holds us back from doing something we need to try and sometimes it is our inner voice cautioning us against making a mistake.

It is always advisable to do the research and get your facts so that you can make an informed decision. However, ultimately, the only way to know for sure if this is a good choice for you is based on what your gut tells you.  One thing I find helpful is to sleep on the decision as if it is already made. Say to yourself before falling asleep I am taking this job. Then measure the quality of your sleep do you toss and turn or sleep comfortably through the night. And when you wake up how do you feel–rest and relaxed or or anxious and tired? If pursuing this goal or action feels right, if there is a sense of excitement with your decision and you sleep through the night and arise rested and calm then it is probably okay to go ahead with your decision. If this new direction allows you to express your creativity and who you really are, if it respects and validates your values and your vision, and if it allows you to live in integrity then it is probably a good bet to trust your inner guidance and take the action and pursue your goal. Instead of asking why just go ahead and say to yourself an affirming statement like–Why not and Why not right now. Good Luck and sleep tight.

Unique Connections #2: The Power of the 15 Second First Impression Rule.

 “If (a man) is brusque in his manner, others will not cooperate.  If he is agitated in his words, they will awaken no echo in others.  If he asks for something without having first established a (proper) relationship, it will not be given him.” Robert Bolton

The immediacy of first impressions and how they effective the decision to go forward in a conversation or a relationship has been called many things in the fields of Communication, Social Psychology and Psychology–power of first impressions, bias of confirmation, primacy effect, thin slicing etc. As a father, I tried to teach my boys the “power of first” impressions. My simple message was to look the person in the eye and give them a firm handshake. Now there is more research that confirms that it takes only a matter of seconds for a person to decide if they want to go forward with a relationship.

Improving People Skills:Johari Window

“The wonder is not that communicating is as difficult as it is, but that it occurs as much as it does.” Reuel Howe, Educator

Awareness lies at the heart of all self-understanding and performance improvement. To improve my current level of performance I must know more about my self and make changes in my thinking and behavior. I must become aware of my present level of functioning before I can make changes. I need to understand how things are now and how I’d like them to be.

Reflections on Best Friends Week: Be Present and Care

” The greatest discovery of my time is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes.”  William James, American Philosopher

What’s exciting about friendship is that it continually demands from you the commitment to others beyond the levels you’ve reached in the past. It demands the willingness to treat each situation as brand new and to treat people with empathy.  Above all, being a friend demands that you be authentic and open. Friendship is the art of putting yourself in the other person’s shoes; imagining yourself in their situation, and asking yourself how would you feel and what would you do.

Friendship means supporting people to be the best they can be and accepting them as they are through good times and bad. A good friend relates to people non-judgmentally as the people they are, not as you wish them to be or the assumptions you make about them because of past performance or experiences with them.

Obama’s “Yes We Can” Leadership Challenge– Building Trust

 

1. “Trust knows no limits–trusting opens the doorways to the spirit…Trust begets trust and fear escalates fear”.  Jack R. Gibb
2.  Trust is the foundation of ” Yes We Can” leadership. Trust is built by doing what you say you will do (dwysywd), showing respect for all, openness, credibility, honesty and communicating the truth to others and your self.  Without trust, leadership efforts are generally not successful.  How do we build trust? I believe that trust develops from the way we treat people and how people respond to and relate to each other. In fact most research indicates that trust can be build in systematic and deliberate ways.  The four most important trust behaviors are:
3.  1. Showing respecting to others– listening and acknowledge their contributions, points of view, skills/talents. Speak directly, do not put people down through criticism or sarcasm and learn to disagree in a pleasant and non-judgmental ways.
4. 2. Openness– being personal by self-disclosing and sharing with people information, feelings and points of view. When interacting using two-way communication techniques questioning, clarifying, demonstrating understanding through restatement and /reflecting and responding to request and bids for contact and attention.
5. 3. DWYSYWD- keep your promises by communicating often and doing what you say you will do.
6. 4. Being present when others speak. Encourage involvement of others in opportunity finding and problem solving.
7. Trust is more than confidence. One dictionary tells us that trust implies instinctive, unquestioning belief in and reliance upon someone or something. Confidence implies conscious trust because of good reasons, definite evidence, fact-based data or past experience.  Confidence is cerebral, more planned and based on expectations than trust. Trust is more intuitive and instinctive, it is spontaneous and more freely given. So ask yourself:  What is trust?  How do you know, when it is present? When broken how do you repair the damage? How can Obama restore trust to government?
8. Let’s talk about how fear stops open interaction and discourse and arouses the defenses. When I am fearful I direct my energies not into discovering and creating, but toward protecting myself from seen, expected, or disaster fantasies or dangers. I am not sure of who I am, cover up and put on protective masks, become concerned about how I ought to meet the expectations of others, and find it difficult to be myself and openly interact with others. Trust enriches my experience; fear robs it. When Obama smiles he seems to be reaching out and connecting to a friendly world he knows and has experienced and he expects recporicity and acceptance. To me he is transparent, open, ready to be engaged. He seems to be saying he will trust me in his world. In my very best moments, I feel inside the way he seems to be when he is smiling at us. Trusting, calm, confident and full of life.  Obama and other government officials can boost their odds of harnessing the power of trust and collective action by using the right tactics, such as emphasizing two-way communication with Republicans. For example, having a bi-partison dinner for John McCain or inviting the Republican caucus to explain the “stimulus package”.

 

Obama Effect #2–Magic of Self-Confidence

 

“No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.” Eleanor Roosevelt

 

The secret to successful and effective speaking is self-confidence. It impacts our speaking performance in subtle and powerful ways. If you watch President-Elect Obama, his confidence impacts your perception of his steadiness and calm. This is a key attribute for leaders in connecting with diverse audiences.