The Art of Caring Confrontation-Solutions for Fort Hood and Columbine shootings?

“When everyone in an organization accepts responsibility, shows respect and holds each other accountable to do the right thing through caring confrontation, everyone wins.” Gus Blanchard

One of the most overwhelming negative feelings a person can have is that of being put-down and shunned. The outsider feels alienated and lonely, not being accepted, loved, or respected by others. Such mental maps and feelings can have a major effect on the way a person views the worth of their lives and how they interact with their culture and fellow citizens. Let’s look at two recent mass shootings– Walter Reed-Fort Hood and Columbine.

Negotiators–Creating Win-Win Agreements

” Whenever people exchange ideas with the intention of changing relationships, whenever they confer for agreement, they are negotiating.”  Gerald Nierenberg, author of Fundamentals of Negotiating 

What do you think of or visualize when you hear that organizations, two CEO’s or a husband and wife are negotiating such and such…? Most research says that most of us think of a formal process of trying to win an argument, win the contract, or play the game of “tough guys don’t back down” and use an aggressive approach to get our way. Most of us experience these interactions as hostile, conflict riddled, or end in I win-you lose game. 

Reality Check #1: Do Doctors Listen to Patients?

“The average doctor listens for 18 seconds before interrupting the patient.”

How disrespectful and arrongant is this kind of behavior? What are the implications for doctor-patient interactions? How can we help doctors improve their communication skills?

Creating Unique Connects — Try Active Listening to Start Understanding Others

 ”We think much faster than we talk…the average rate of speech is 125 words per minute and the ability to absorb and think is 4-5 times faster…so the critical question is what do we do with our spare time when someone is talking to us?” Ralph Nichols, Professor at University Minnesota, 1957 

Since, the article by Ralph Nichols in the HBR in 1957, have we improved the literacy of people  to become more effective listeners? The answer is a little bit but the journey goes on for each new generation and individual to take the time to become better listeners.  What is the benefit for being a better listener?  As Dr. Nichols once said, The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.” In addition, How well you listen has a major impact on your job effectiveness, and on the quality of your relationships with others. Listening is one of the most important skills you can have it improves your communication effectiveness, improves interpersonal relations and gives you the ability to negotiate through conflict situations.

True Friendship-Authentic Caring Factor

“One of the most delightful–and volatile–aspects of friendship is the voluntary nature of it all. Whether it’s a cup of coffee, a lavish gift, or an offer to stay by your sickbed, favors from friends are intentional acts of generosity…Our friends turn toward our bids for connection simply because they want to, and that’s what makes those relationships so rewarding.”  John Gottman, The Relationship Cure 

 What is true friendship? Can we really feel better by helping rather than receiving? Is it too late for you to change your approach to friendship. These are powerful questions and as usual I like to start by challenging our thinking even if it is a Monday morning.  

How to make your ideas Stick? Overhaul the Lecture Method

“If I always do what I’ve always done, I’ll always get what I’ve always gotten.” John Dewey, Educational Reformer  

I am on a mission to change how educators transmit information so people can learn and use information provided.  Teachers and presenters must start seeing and believing that they are performance artists. They must be authentic, natural and inspiring all skills that can be learned.

Yet, lecturing remains one of the more popular methods to transmit information and ideas by teachers, trainers and speakers.  As students and audience participants we are quite familiar with the approach.  Lectures can be informative, boring or overwhelming depending on the compelling nature of the message and the presenter’s style and clarity of message.  The lecture method usually is one-way communication and allows for little if any audience participation. The result is audience misunderstanding, loss of information and poor retention and learning.

Small Things Big Impact: SMILE

“People with high levels of personal mastery cannot afford to choose between reason and intuition, or head and heart, any more than they would choose to walk on one leg or see with one eye.”  Peter Senge, MIT Sloan School of Management

I was reviewing Tom Peters, The Heart of Business Strategies :  56 * Things that Matter and was struck by a few that I think can guide your daily checklist for success. I am capturing them  under the word SMILE. If you like it put it on a post it note over your computer to keep you grounded and motivated.

Reinvention: Smart-Step Self Coaching

“Speech is power; Speech is to persuade, to convert, to compel.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

As a presentation coach for CPA’s , M.D.’s, Lawyers and executives for years, I focus on helping my clients replace self-sabotaging thinking and ideas with meaningful purposes and powerful goals and  performances through constructive thinking and actions.  I call this the Smart-Step process. It is all about establishing a clear and meaningful purpose, confidence through positive self-talk and developing through realistic practice, feedback and execution plans.

Reflection # 10 : In Tough Times We all Need Someone

Myth #1 in Presentations ” Content is King”

“Speech is power; Speech is to persuade, to convert, to compel.”   Ralph Emerson

Having been a presentation and communication coach for thirty plus years it is obvious  that a speaker’s message is important. The best message needs to be clear, concise and compelling. Yet the truth is that most people listen and understand the meaning and importance of a message with their eyes.

Unique Connections Part 1: Renewing Mental Maps through Questions.

“Our view of reality is like a map with which to negotiate the terrain of life. If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are, and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there. If the map is false and inaccurate, we generally will be lost.”

M. Scott Peck Author 

Remember the Socratic way of teaching–asking questions help learners discover the answers. This method gets people more involved in learning through critical thinkimg and makes the learning more relevant to their life.  

Socratic questioning illuminates the importance of questioning in learning Socrates stated that questioning was the only defensible form of teaching. It illuminates the difference between systematic and fragmented thinking. It teaches us to dig beneath the surface of our ideas. It teaches us the value of developing questioning minds in cultivating deep learning. The art of Socratic questioning is intimately connected with because the art of questioning is important to excellence of thought. What the word “Socratic” adds to the art of questioning is depth  and interest in assessing the truth or more information about others and the situations they are confronting.

Other people are afraid that by asking questions they will look weak, ignorant or unsure. They like to give the impression that they are decisive and in command of the relevant issues. They fear that asking questions might introduce uncertainty or show them as uninformed or incompetent. In fact asking questions is a sign of strength and intelligence – not a sign of weakness or uncertainty. Great leaders constantly ask questions and are well aware that they do not have all the answers.

 

 Finally some people are in such a hurry to get things done that they do not stop to ask questions because it might slow them down. They risk rushing headlong into the wrong actions.

As politicians, peers, friends, or family members, colleagues or managers we can check assumptions, gain more information and better understanding of the problem or opportunity by first asking questions. Start with very basic, broad questions then move to more specific areas to clarify your understanding. Open questions are excellent – they give the other person or people a chance to give broad answers and they open up the discussion . Examples of open questions are:

• What obstacles keep the government from bailing out home owners?

• Why do you think this has economy crisis has happened?

• What are all the factors that might have caused this problem?

• How can we reduce a further melt down of the economy?

• Where does a private banks responsibility end and government authority through regulation begin?

• Tell me more about your personal experiences in securing a business loan?

Our questions should not be scripted because as we actively listen and tune-in to resonses we can spontaneously formulate more in deepth or probing questions. Be patient in your responses and never interupt the speaker. The desire to state our ideas, insights, points of view and wisdom is hard to resist. The method of asking questions to deepen our understanding and provides more clarity of the issues before identifying root problems and making critical decisions. 

Asking many questions is very effective but it builds trust and shows your interest in the problem and the person’s point of view. It is important that we bring closure to one topic of interest before moving on to more questions because the interaction maybe be perceived as an interrogation and threatening rather than as a friendly way to connect. Try to pose each question in an calm way and ensure that your non-verbal language is relaxed and engaging. Do not jab your index finger like the “critical parent” but try to speak with own and wecoming hands jesters.

Try to practice asking more opened questions in conversations. Instead of telling someone what you think or immdeiately provide advise or try to solve their problemn– ask them a question and you will be perceived as caring, open, and engaging person. Questions help us to teach as well as to learn.

If you are open to new thinking and renewal the lessons life offers will enhance your ability to develop and grow your mental maps. … if not you may be sleep walking through life. 

If it is obvious that asking questions is such a powerful way of learning why do we stop asking questions? For some people the reason is that they think that they have learned all there is to know on a subject? Others like to hear themselves talk and control conversations. Some people become bored, lazy or worn down by fighting the same battles for change year in and year out.  They want to maintain their comfort level by holding onto old and tried and true “mental maps”, assumptions and solution or ideas which they believe are correct and unchanging. For example cutting taxes leads to a strong economy. They try old solutions that might or might not fit the new circumstances.This approach leads them to be stuck in the past. And many times they end up failing by trying to maintain the status quo.  

Teaching “Old dogs new Tricks”

There is an old saying that you can’t “teach old dogs new tricks”. I disagree because the underlying philosophy of this quote forgets that the steps to learning are: 1). Focusing on the awareness and attitude of the learner (get their attention); 2). Modeling desired behavior; 3). Practice and feedback about our progress toward changing behavior; 4). Replace the old with the new through positive reinforcement using the 5:1 rule (five positive comments for every negative one).  This smart approach follows a more enlighten philosophy supported by Andrew Bandrua, a guru in social learning, who said, to change behavior you must first change a person’s thinking”.