President Obama’s First Year Scorecard “C+” –To Improve Focus on Middle-Class/Jobs and Be More Brave and Courageous.

A year ago, the country rallied behind a new president who promised to end the partisanship divide in America. Who many of us thought would be an active problem solver and experimenter like FDR. Who seemed likely to restore leadership and respect for the Presidency with his action orientated problem solving approach and pragmatic political philosophy. He was seen as a “man of the people” during the campaign and now there is some disappointment from his over selling what could be done and our high expectations for constructive change that we could believe in. Little did we think he would have to deal with the party of “No” who voted against ideas and programs they use to believe in; cutting taxes in the stimulus bill.

Parent’s Reflection and Hope: Along the Way I did my best

Parent’s  Reflection and Hope–

If only I could “do over”…

If I had you to raise again,

I’d pay more attention, watch with my eyes and listen more.

I’d look for your strengths and be there for you.

I’d build self-esteem, respect your differences and guide you more.

I’d build castles in the sand and less castles in the sky.

I would do less correcting and more hugging and connecting.

I would care to have less material stuff and learn to care more.

I’d stop demanding respect and earn it

I’d shoot more baskets, take more hikes and play more often.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars together

I’d stop worrying and offer more direction and help sooner

I’d do more hugging and less shouting.

I would be stronger in setting boundaries and affirming much more.

I’d model more about the power of love and less about rules.

If only I could “do over” but I can’t…

So I hope you know I did the best I could

And you forgive any errors or hurts I caused

Along the way…Along the way.. Along the way

I only hope it’s not too late…not too late…For more father and son hugs…

And for you to find your way

For I did my best….my best…

Message to President Obama–New Philosophy for Governing.

” It is too late in the day for Democrats to win over Republicans with words, and it is more certain that we can’t win by giving into their cynical and devious plans to defeat any kind of change and reform. What then can we do? “ Call their bluff and start working for and being the Party of the People not Corporate America.”  MWH

Our New Working Philosophy as Relevant Democrats
In our daily governing for the next year we will strive to:

• Listen to and act on the needs and expectation of all Americans—solve problems and produce results.
• To ensure change be meeting and exceeding constituents expectations and adding value to their “quality of life” not pain.
• Live the values of common goals, common values, open and complete communication, trust, commitment, and creating a sense that the government “works” for all Americans not just Corporate America.
• Build an empathic government through listening and acting on priority problems; such as HCR and more jobs…no matter what the other party wants
• Create a climate of do no harm by “doing the right things for people” not doing what will just get you re-elected. Live your values and principles by standing up for the people not the bankers and Corporate CEO’s.
• Rebuild trust and credibility with the folks who elected you and forget oppositional people who just say no.
• Be brave, bold and courageous… execute and produce results now.
  

Want to Improve Empathy? Try Listening and silence

“If we try to listen we find it extraordinarily difficult, because we are always projecting our opinions and ideas, our prejudices, our background, our inclinations, our impulses; when they dominate, we hardly listen at all to what is being said…One listens and therefore learns, only in a state of silence, in which this whole background is in abeyance, is quite; then, it seems to me, it is possible to communicate.”  Krishnamurti, Indian Philosopher

It is my belief that the most single most important skill you must show in life is the ability to communicate effectively with loved ones, friends, strangers, colleagues and clients. From making sure you’re listening and understanding others but also to our own inner thoughts and reactions. We must make space in our quick-firing minds so it is possible to listen. We have the capacity to listen and process 3-4x more information than a person can talk, 125-135 words per minute.  The question becomes what do we do with that extra capacity? Do you create room for listening with inner silence and focus on the other person or fill your mind with other thoughts and distractions till it’s time for your rebuttal. Our culture is dominated by speed and bombastic amounts of information, data and multi-tasking. To overcome these distractions we will need a change in habits and strong self-discipline of being present with others and paying attention to living in the moment.

Just about everyone could use improvement in their listening skills. We often take listening for granted and to improve listening is difficult because we are so eager to have our viewpoints validated.  So how do we improve this critical communication skill of empathic listening? Here are a few tips:

1. Focus on the present interaction and moment.

2. Be more other-centered than self-centered.

3. Try becoming more attentive by using silence and non-verbal cues of heading nodding and looking people in the eyes when they are talking.

4. Anticipate where the conversation is going  and see strengths of the other person’s ideas and arguments.

5. Learn to listen to yourself. Identify how you are listening. Ask yourself, Do I focus on the other person when they are speaking or am I interrupting, changing the subject,  looking at my cell phone or just getting ready to take my turn in speaking? How do I feel about what is being communicated? Understanding your emotions of feelings connects you to the essence of the interaction.

6. Always try to be present with the other person. Learning how to listen means that we learn to notice what we are feeling and thinking.

7. Avoid the temptation to respond immediately. Don’t feel pressured to speak. Use silence to allow others to go on. When ready try to restate, or rephrase what you heard so the other person feels understood.

The journey to becoming a more empathic person begins with listening but this is easier said than done. We must learn how to suspend snap judgments, challenge  assumptions and realize that much of our reactions to others comes from stored memories and experiences. To become a better listener we need to be more open and flexible in our processing things anew and not replaying old tapes. Good Luck and keep me posted on your listening experiences and the impact on your relationships.

Meaningful Living:Potential-interference = Performance

“We become what we think about all day long.” Emerson

So what is Self-Coaching and how does it work?

Self-Coaching then is about motivating yourself to fulfill your potential through self-awareness and by identifying ways to overcome obstacles and interferences that hold you back and practicing new behaviors to discover how to get around obstacles or replace them with natural strengths..

In his book The Inner Game of Work, Tim Gallwey (for many the Godfather of coaching)

offers the following equation as a way of understanding the true nature of coaching:

PERFORMANCE = Potential less Interference

This equation has important implications for managers and coaches as it recognizes that the working environment  can have a major impact on individual performance and productivity. It also provides the pathway for Self-coaching. Tips on Self-coaching follow:

1. Learning the Lessons of Self- Talk and tool for controlling it. “There is always an inner game being played in your mind no matter what outer game you are playing. How aware you are of this game can make the difference between success and failure in the outer game.” Tim Gallwey.

2. Capitalizing on Ambiguity and Change: It’s important to be responsive, flexible and nimble.   You need to learn why it’s vital to be comfortable with ambiguity and change – and to discover ways to increase your tolerance of uncertainty and be more pro-active.

3. Beyond Your Comfort Zone: Self- Reflection means challenging yourself and continually seeking feedback on how you impact others and then being being open to learning new things. The development of this mental set will help you to find and stretch your capabilities, by trying something new and reaching beyond your comfort zone.

Self-Coaching Exercise:   At the end of today identify three positive things that made you feel good about the work you are doing. Relate these three things to a strength you have; and share your observations with a friend.

Daily Quote and Reflection: Life is Short

Daily Quote: “Life is short. We have not much time to gladden the hearts of those who journey with us. Therefore, be swift to love, make haste to be kind.”— Henri Amiel

Reflection: A friend of mine and I were talking the other day about his electric lawn mower and other issues about gardening. Within two days he had a massive stroke which effected his ability to talk and move his arm and left leg. The brain did not stabilize and he was gone within two weeks. What a shock.  It makes you stop and take stock. As the quote notes life is short.  Each New Year represents a new beginning or potential end. I see this time as a new start and an opportunity to thank everyone who has provided support and help me get to where I am. It is also an opportunity to try some new things and continue learning from others. I am asking myself what can I do to improve my current life?  In addition to my constant discipline to stay healthy I am returning to playing basketball for the over 65 Seniors team. We will compete in the Senior Games in April. We will see if I still have a jump shot or has it turned into a step-shuffle-shot formula. I am also going to work on being more generous and empathic for all folks I come in contact with. What about you – what’s your plan for a new beginning or to create more love in your life or kindness for others?

Daily Quote–Living with Uncertainty

Daily Quote

“Change and momentariness is inevitable…only when we have a clear vision of this flux and our place in it does our effort mean something. Some of the change we can influence, some we cannot. Our fundamental hope lies is in affecting the change that IS US.”

David Reynolds, Ph.D. author of  Water Bears No Scars

“Here is one more–”Their is nothing permanent except change.” Heraclitus, Greek Philosopher

Reflection: So true. I can remember trying to get a friend of mine to start running. It was then that I decided if you accept the other person as they are; you give them the space and time to decide on their own. Support is more powerful than demands. To paraphrase Gandhi –be the change you want to be. That’s why trying to manage change is not a very productive use of my energy. Acceptance of reality and ambiguity is better than deluding yourself into thinking that things can be certain in life. Living with ambiguity leaves you less stressed and more free to just experience and enjoy the “here and now”.

Make Your Message Sticky–Try using Presentation Design Checklist

The Ultimate Presenter’s goal– Bring relevance, assurance, tangibility, empathy and responsiveness to the presentation. (RATER). If these elements are aligned in a presentation they help the speaker connect and build trust and credibility with the audience. They are what I call the “unique connect”

As a speaker and communicator, you are the one who is shooting the “free throw to win” the game. You’ve got to stick it to win. You must have more than good intentions to make the shot.  Every single day, you are delivering messages and trying  to make ideas stick and persuade others to change or behave in a certain way.  So how do you connect with and make the message stick? Trying using the RATER as a checklist for designing your next presentation.:

• RESPONSIVE-challenge your audience with something new or ideas they can use. Be responsive to their interest and needs. Answer questions as they are asked. Do not put people off by saying, “ I will answer it later”. Be “quick on your feet” adapt to audience interest and needs. If you are not sure you are meeting their expectations ask them. For example, how are we doing here? I this information meeting your expectations? If not change directions. Don’t ignore the disinterested looks or signs of boredom.
• ASSURANCE- provide credible information and examples of idea or solution benefits and how it has worked in the past. Use powerful examples and stories to reinforce credibility.
• TANGIBLES--bring concrete ideas and provide pragmatic examples or metaphors that make the ideas less abstract. Avoid generalizations and professional jargon. Make message clear, concise and compelling.
• EMPATHY-Show the audience that you care and understand their problems, skepticism, views  and ideas
• RELEVANT information-present solutions and ideas with confidence and supportive evidence and testimonials supporting credibility and viability of  ideas

Why blog? Capture footprints in the sand and share experiences

As the New Year begins, I was reflecting on my blogging for the last year. I write blogs, mostly about leadership and communication in any sphere of life– reflections and ideas about the meaning of life, how to live a more constructive life, developing better conversation and communication skills, poetry when the moment moves me and when I am puzzled by interesting concepts or questions. Mostly, I blog when I want to share my view of life and because my Grandmother once told me to keep a diary because each individual’s life is exciting and the lessons need to be passed on to the next generation.

I like to focus on interpersonal communications and leadership because it has been my passion in life and I think the clue for healthy living.  Many times when I sit down to blog I find myself reflecting, on the same themes or questions, over and over again. I have many unanswered questions and fascinations about life’s complexities and contradictions. Does a life sentence mean life? Does getting old mean losing your excitements about life? Are people suffering from mental illness any different from someone suffering from diabetes ? What is the difference between living a constructive and fulling life vs. a successful life as defined by others? Some of these fascinations grow into to an interest in the whole idea of mental illness or interpersonal conflict or the significance and difficulty of defining leadership or criminal justice, punishment and other social problems. I wrote Split-Second decisions because I began to get stuck or obsessed, with the way that all of us seem to make up our minds about other people in an instant—without really doing any real thinking, probing or reflection. In the case of Empathic Caring, this series of blog post grew out a frustration I found myself having with the way we talk about and explain the ability of some people to connect,  understand and care for others. While others just cruise through life and put it on automatic. You know how you hear someone say of Bill Clinton or Oprah or some friend —”they’re really sensitive,” or “they’re really in-tune with others?’ Well, I know lots of people who are sensitive and caring and they don’t have their own TV show or become President of the US. It struck me that our understanding of meaning and empathy was really superficial —and there was an opportunity to look around and identify the role models and dig deeper into the ideas that make up these two puzzles in life which many are now calling Emotional Intelligence.

One of those models I am fascinated with far more than any others, is Dr.Viktor Frankl. Readers may remember him as a Holocaust survivor, and father of a type of psychotherapy called logo-therapy, and author of books such as Man’s Search for Meaning. Over against other psychiatrists and psychologists who said that the will to power and the pursuit of pleasure are what ultimately motivate human beings; Dr. Frankl believed that the will to meaning is what ultimately motivates human beings. His logotherapy was born out of his own existential experiences in the World War II concentration camps. He once said that meaning in life can be discovered by three ways: “(1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering.” Even though Dr. Frankl didn’t publicly declare himself to be an adherent of any religion (he was an Austrian Jew, though I’m not aware that he attended synagogue, his wife apparently was a Catholic) nonetheless, he said that religion is concerned with ultimate meaning, or self-transcendence. For me, this has parallels with the idea of living and caring for others.

The key message of Frankl’s book and of my blogging is to discuss how people “live life with meaning” My tag line for this discussion focuses on learning and living– “learn to live, and live to learn”. Your meaning is unique and an individual creation—in other words, your work can make a difference, your contributions make a difference, your life matters! It’s up to each of us to discover our own personal meaning and thus create a more fulfilling life.”

— Mark W. Hardwick, Ph.D.

Pandora Story–Hope Dies Last

Quote  and Daily Reflection: “La esperanza muere al ultimo.” ( Hope dies last) – Jessie de la Cruz

“In the Works and Days Hesiod recounts that Zeus sent Pandora to Epimetheus…he made her his wife. Now Epimetheus had a large earthenware pot, covered with a lid, which contained all the evils and one good: hope.  Pandora had barely reach Earth when, overcome with curiosity, she lifted the lid of the pot and released all the ills in the world. Only hope, which was at the bottom, was trapped in the pot when Pandora replaced the lid. 

Other versions of the legend say that the pot contained not all the world’s ills but every blessing. By opening it carelessly, she let all the good things escape and return to the heavens instead of staying among mankind. That is why men are afflicted with every form of evil: only hope, a poor consolation, is left to them.”  –The Dictionary of Classical Mythology 

Reflection: Which version of the story rings true for you?  How does having only make you feel about the possible survival of mankind?

Use “Smart-Step” Change Process to implement 2010 Resolutions

“The person who handles and succeeds at change is true to themselves and fully engaged. To change you need to accept and understand your strengths, be honest and clear about you goal for change. Basically, you need to know what you want, play to your strengths, be tough, be engaged and get support along the way. “  Dr. James Loehr, The Power of Full Engagement

The reason resolutions are generally started and then forgotten is because we give up on the road between starting to change something ( behavior, attitude or situation) and the mastery of the change process. Many times a resolution is formated in the negative. For example, I am going to loss twenty pounds over the next three months or I am going to give up smoking by my birthdate. These are good resolutions and yet are difficult to accomplish because along the way to change you hit obstacles, you lack “stick-to it ness”, motivation wanes and you let yourself off the hook. The trick to success is to reframe resolutions into positive behavior and thoughts not the negative. For example, I am going to get healthier in 2010 by integrating a physical fitness plan of exercise and walking into my daily routine. See the difference between this life-style change and giving things up. You can almost feel the excitment and power of the former statement. It turns a resolution from a “have to” which takes great effort to a “want to” that is integrated into your life style and daily living. You must daily reaffirm you strength and ultimate patience to change. Living in the moment frees you from excuses for not changing and helps you to affirm you ability to accomplish anything you want in life –one -smart step at a time. 

If you are a committed and a determined to change some specific behavior or situation in your life, remember the quality of your life has nothing to do with excuses, unresolved conflicts,  or distant negative experiences. It has everything to do with  the HERE AND NOW–YOU. YOUR ESSENCE AND PASSION FOR LIVING A MEANINGFUL, CONTROLLABLE  and CONSTRUCTIVE LIFE. It has to do with your thinking, reflection, choice, behavior, and impact–The pressing question: What do you want to change and how do you go about sustaining that change?

Tips to Help keep Resolutions and Sustain Personal Change

1.  Affirm your ability to continue personal change and develop[ a no excuses focus by repeating this  affirmation: “Focus on living well regardless of how you are feeling at the moment.”  And complete the following Reflection Activity Daily:

• Pick one action that you want to change—for example, your physical health–running or walking, eating healthy foods, self-improvement through meditation, calling the doctor for a three month or yearly checkup, etc.) Chose a set time of the day and do the activity at the same time each day for one week. Record the day, time, activity and your reflections in your daily journal.  

2. Focus on positive behavior and ignore self-sabotaging thinking and ideas with clear and meaningful change goals and  performances through constructive thinking and actions.  I call this the Smart-Step process. It is all about establishing a clear and meaningful purpose, being confident through positive self-talk and developing  realistic habits, and execution plans.

• Smart-Steps are more manageable in developing positive behavior changes then a more general or holistic approach. Smart-Steps allow you to focus on behavior and the process instead of judging performance (based on fears, false expectations and results). For example, change process goals help you focus on being in the moment and responding in a responsive way to align actions with goals. Smart-steps facilitate the development of energy into positive enthusiasm for change. Here are some essential components of the Smart-Step Change Process as applied to  “Personal Change Resolutions:
• Clarify and agree to reasonable change goal. Start by making goal realistic, understandable, doable and measurable. 
• Monitor and Edit yourself in positive ways. Sincerely try to set and meet realistic goals-do not try to change everything at one time; review and reassess goals to keep them realistic and incorporate lessons learned from setbacks or failures. Try to understand setbacks and overcome obstacles to change.  
•  Soften your “criticism.” of self . Do not quit if you feel overwhelmed. Practice this technique– STOP. Reflect. Challenge your thinking. Move on through positive action. 
•  Ask for and accept support and advice from others. A presentation succeeds to the extent that you do not feel alone in tackling a difficult personal change. Be responsive friends and family members comments or concerns. Be open and flexible to suggestions from others feedback in trying to keep momentum for change alive.
•  Have high standards. Have high standards and don’t expect perfection. Things may go wrong. Be ready to go with the flow. 
•  Focus on the optimistic “POV” and Self-Talk. Try to understand and apply your strengths and abilities to the change process. People who succeed on changing  behavior permanently make at least five times as many positive statements to themselves about progress than negative statements or excuses. 

Once you understand the Smart-Step process you are on the road to significant personal change.  Process goals replace  personal expectations and help you focus on what is really an important priority in your life. Being and living in the moment is critical to developing confidence. It means learning to trust and believe in yourself. Developing this sense of trust means being vulnerable and at risk. Trust is directly related to your ability to be open and is experienced as authenticity by others. Good Luck on your change goals and share your success stories with us in the coming year.