“Being connected and personal is to be in the process of discovering and accepting each other…trust begets trust; fear escalates fear.”    Jack Gibb . author of Trust: A New View of Personal and Organizational Development  

Birthday, anniversary, new year all are  stopping points for me. I take the time  to stop and reflect and celebrate.  Helen and I are celebrating our 43rd wedding anniversary. WOW!!! What a great day. I found a special person to live my life with. We are best friends and partners. Each of us are fallible human beings with our own strengths and weaknesses. The luck side of this is the way we compliment each other and learn from one another.  This is a journey together through good and bad times. What lessons have I learned in this special relationship called marriage?

Listen. Listen. Listen. Then respond to your partners needs and requests for emotional connection.

One kind and thoghtful act is the glue to building exciting and productive relationship. Learn to turn toward and not away from your partner.

If you want the person you love to change a specific behavior –accept them as they are and don’t try to change them through criticism, shame or control. Change yourself or your approach to them and this will give them the space to change themselves.

Know your own needs and strengths. Be clear on non-negotiables.  Pick your fights carefully. Learn to fight fair. Like handling disagreements when both of you are ready and not under stress. So starting a resolution or complaining session when person first walks in the door will just push the person away and not be very productive. Try your discussion after dinner and a glass of wine.

Go with what you got –Be authentic

Show understanding through empathy asking: “How do you think that would make you feel?” 

Be a life long student of relationships and communication. Never take the other person for granted.  Do things for (make the coffee or offer them a dessert, run some errands for them, show interest in their job, and ask your partner about their fears or childhood memories)

Do not fear or overreact to comments by a loved one–Be true to your values and take the high road when dealing with conflicts. Don’t always feel a need to win. Try to understand the power of compromise and need for your partner to influence you.

Reflecting on life experiences and disagreements. Resolve issues do not bury them. If not resolved they add up and you find yourself slowly having many areas of disscusion that are  untouchable topics to talk about. Resolving conflicts keeps us connected and grounded and our mental maps updated.

Replace Yes, but… thinking  with Yes, we can… and positive action will follow.

Keep things in perspective and balance-Take vacations and pay attention to your family needs.

No one is optimistic all the time. But anyone can learn how to adopt a more positive, healthier attitude. When you practice being an optimist, you’ll be on your way to being more confident, relaxed, humorous, and effective as a connector and communicator.

Create “unique connections” by treating others with respect and dignity.  When people feel accepted and respected they have the desire and motivation to share intimacy, collaborate, share information, and work together to accomplish family goals.

Surprize your partner with small gifts on non holidays. (full disclosure I am not good at this Helen is great at it)

Watchouts-Don’t get stuck in routines and rituals. Change thins up once in while.  Be gentle with yourself and your partner. Find a wound licking place to reflect on how stupid you have been then apologize. Don’t go to bed mad. Say yes and thank you. Don’t name call or put down. Accept them as they are don’t try to change them. Give your partner space to grow. Support them when life gets confusing and difficult. Be ther reality and sounding board. Don’t try to control them give them give them room to grow and wander. Trust them always until proven wrong then confront the issue with honesty, caring and respect. Be involved with the domestic things but know your limitations and her strengths. Be involved with your kids don’t be the absent parent.  Do things together. My handbook for grounding in these areas is the book The Relationship Cure, written by Dr. John Gottman, who for over thirty years has studied and identified the keys to develop and grow successful relationships. Check it out this book is worth the time and money to read and re-read till you start to understand how to emotional connect with others.

Remember you create your own sense with a partner of what a great marriage is. You create your own unique connections, your shared meanings, your own co-created vision of your life together. You write your own life together and your happiness is as broad as you wish it to be.

Enjoy your day.